86 thoughts on “Our Daily Thread 10-5-16”

  2. Good morning, Chas! And evening to Jo. Good hello, to all!

    I was up around 5 a.m. Even then there is a constant hum in the background here, the white noise of a city.

    Art and I began watching the debate, but after only a few minutes we decided we’d get more out of watching a movie due back to the library today. It was an Iranian film titled, A Separation. It was an Academy Award winner for best foreign film in 2011. It was excellent. It was a great portrayal of how the legal system works there in settling or perhaps escalating legal disputes between married couples and between families. It was also a touching movie to show how an Iranian man cared for his father who had Alzheimers.

    I have a WMU meeting at church a bit later. Now why did this tablet want to say I have an EMU meeting? It’s too early for me to smile. I am only on my first cup of coffee.

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  3. Morning all. God is doing His work. The meeting is tomorrow. I went across the street to talk with my friends and to ask for prayer. They are from my same church and we are the same age. They were so supportive and prayed for me before I left. I feel at peace. Then, a few moments ago, I checked my missions account. There was a large gift from another friend. Such an encouragement and confirmation of what I am doing and where I am. I sure sometime in the future I will be amazed at how God used this hard time.

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  5. Morning, Janice. I have the white noise of crickets!
    It was a good day back in the classroom. I taught my class a math game, played individually, using dice. They were so excited and learning numbers too. Counting the dots and then building towers with that many cubes.

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  6. Thank you, Jo, for your witness of how God is going through this with you. When He is on your side, you truly have nothing to fear! He is on every side and within strengthening you and showing His power and might which becomes even more evident through our weakness and inability to do what only He can do. I praise Him with you today!

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  7. Jo, I have crickets in the foreground, and that white noise hums in the background. Now the overhead sound of a jet from the Atlanta airport has joined with a bird chirping and a car passing on the street. One window is open and a cool breeze floats through along with the sounds. Now another car passing and another jet, as if they are harmonizing.

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  10. Good Morning….well…it appears to still be nighttime here…so dark and still here in the forest. No noise except for the gentle winds moving the pine boughs to and fro….
    Praying for our nation in the wee hours of the morning….may He have mercy on us His children…may the hearts of our fellow man turn towards His grace and mercy extended to us all….

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  11. I had dinner last night with three homeless women who were spending the night with the nomadic shelter program at our church.

    (My husband took the all night shift and is still there, probably working since he’s never had any problems in the past).

    It was interesting. Pretty much all I did was listen.

    I took some notes and wrote a blog post about it for Friday!

    It’s so helpful to hear other peoples’ stories to put your own life in perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Well, Janice, I guess your tablet knows what an emu is but never heard of a wmu.

    Where I live those stand for Eastern Michigan University and Western Michigan University, the two schools my son considered.

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  13. It’s not rants and raves day, but…

    Next door neighbor got a new dog. I guess an outdoor dog. A very lonely outdoor dog. Early yesterday evening it was barking for about an hour. This morning it started whining – loudly – just before 7:00 am, waking me up. Since then it has escalated to barking and howling. I have to leave for work now. I guess I’ll have to drop in on the neighbor this evening.

    Mumsee, did you ever have a problem with outdoor dogs bothering you that way? How do you teach them not to?

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  14. Kevin, Janice said WMU. She assumed everyone knew that it meant Women’s Missionary Union. It’s a Baptist thing and everyone in the South knows what WMU means. It’s an important missionary support for the Southern Baptist Convention.

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  15. It’s too bad that we can’t see lives totally through God’s perspective. He alone sees all, knows all.

    My devotion this morning was titled, The Source of Our Significance. “‘Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom, or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,’ declares the Lord in Jeremiah 9:23-24. With those words, God continually invites us to examine the source of our significance.” That began my reading today in, Living Well, 365 Daily Devotions for a Balanced Life.

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  16. Well, Good Morning Everyone.
    I did not watch the debate last night. My stomach just won’t take it. In 2008 I wasn’t excited about McCain but I had no trouble voting for him. An Hispanic couple were in line with me when I went to vote. They had recently become citizens and were so excited to be casting their vote for McCain. If I remember correctly, he gave me a McCain sticker. In 2012 I willingly voted for Romney. I didn’t understand the controversy over him being a Mormon. The Mormon’s I have known have been dedicated people and good people. This year? This year I will vote but I won’t like the person I give my vote.

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  18. It’s only fair to announce that since reading and following Kim’s link about wine possibly causing sleep disturbance, that I’ve sworn off even a sip and have now slept well for five straight nights.

    Thanks be to God.

    Meanwhile, my teenage doctor who loves chemistry has decided I should experiment with one of my meds to see if that helps the sleeping issue. No big deal either way, but it makes me laugh. I like my doctor, even if time is catching up on him and he looks like he’s in his 20s now. 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

  19. Long night covering a meeting last night, now I need to write it all up this morning. I was going to do something rudimentary for online last night, but me editor said not to worry about it since it went so much later than it was supposed to go.

    I saw only the first maybe 10 minutes of a rerun of the debate.

    Big event coming with the town halls presidential debate on Sunday, it’s pretty much agreed that Trump needs to perform flawlessly, like an adult at least, in order to still have a chance. But town halls are something Clinton is adept at, apparently — Trump, not so much. He does better in front of a yuge crowd in a stadium where he can just talk and talk and talk.

    People need only cheer, no questions or interaction necessary.

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  21. I did not read the article as I don’t drink and don’t plan to until I am old. That is why I am growing a vineyard now, besides that I love grape juice. Anyway, I thought we all knew that wine had lots of sugar and, though it might help you to go to sleep, you would wake up with the sugar buzz. I generally sleep very well unless I eat a bowl of cereal in the evening, and then I wake up and stay awake.

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  22. As you may recall, the school was having a challenging time enrolling seventeen year old as they were worried he wanted a diploma from them. He assured them he was only there for sports and wanted nothing to do with their diploma or graduation so they promptly enrolled him. He just got his ASVAB results back. Again they asked what his plans were and when he mentioned that in their handbook, it says a homeschooler can enroll with them for the last year and receive their diploma if he maintains a 3.0 and gets a 22 on the ACT. Well, he surpassed that when he took it two years ago and has been maintaining a 4.0 so he directed them to their handbook. They met with him, handbook in their hands and are hoping he will graduate with them. He got a 91 on the ASVAB which is not great but quite decent. I don’t know the range but we had a nineteen year old who got a nineteen on it and the nineteen year old in the military got a fifty one on it. We are very happy for son and the many good decisions he has been making. I remember back when we first started and he hated grammar. He still is not overly fond of it but he can do it. The funny part is that this is the role model fifteen year old wants to follow, but without doing the work. Silly boy.

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  23. I agree that Pence won the debate. He actually answered the questions. Mumsee missed that stark contrast in body language. I watched the debate on YouTube. I did not find a radio station on the drive home that was broadcasting it.

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  25. Wine is wonderful — but after reading Kim’s article I also realized I seem to have a disruption in sleep when I’ve had a glass in the evenings, too. And it does have a lot of sugar in it (or it gets turned into sugar or something, I read about that once too).

    OK, I’m back to ordering bathroom stuff. I found tub/shower and sink faucets (same manufacturer so I get a match) and have them “in a cart” at Wayfair websites, I want to think more about them but it’s definitely the style I have been looking for. And one of them includes a weird thing about some standards in California that went into effect in January 2016 … so I may have to get complying models from the manufacturer direct, I’m not sure.

    We’re particular about what faucets we let into our state, you know.

    I’m very partial to the vintage dark bronze look, although I noticed now that the medicine cabinet I already purchased (and had a really hard time finding) has some minimal chrome hardware — ugh.

    I still need a window & light fixtures (lights shouldn’t be hard, I’ve looked at those quite a bit, but window … that one stumps me in terms of how to blend the 1920 style and where to buy).

    Hat tip to Kim who’s helped so much in figuring this stuff out, it’s really been a learning curve. Never – ever would have done this if it weren’t forced by leaky walls. (I remember when my editor and his wife were remodeling some years ago and the horrors they went through — I thought never will I go there, not worth the cost or hassle; but here I am.)

    At least I’m just doing a tiny bathroom and not a whole house like they did (well, it started with wanting to add a bedroom as their kids were getting older, but one thing led to another and pretty soon they wound up with a new kitchen, new bathroom, different house layout, new appliances … )

    Then they got divorced, of course. 😦

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  27. I have had a lot of fun doing this with you DJ. You know the window I like… I have a vision of how it is all going to look. I even have the shower curtain picked out….

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  28. I did realize that an in-swing casement window — since it’s literally in the shower — might be hazardous to my safety. I can see myself whacking my head with the thing. Might have to go back to the “hopper” window design, maybe 2-3 of them in a row to make sure it provides enough air flow to clear out a steamy bathroom

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  29. Looks like that weird clown menace has come to our neighborhood, all kinds of scuttlebutt this morning about it in several schools. Halloween is coming.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Barking dogs, when we have lived in towns, we have kept our dogs in part of the house because we did not want them disturbing others. When daughter got a dog that barked, I told her she was required to walk it three long walks per day. She didn’t and the dog was returned. You can’t make other folks keep their dogs quiet but if you mention to them that their dog is barking and they look perplexed on a solution, you might mention that dogs need exercise and some dogs need a lot. Beyond a fenced yard. Some dogs are perfectly content to be lazy, lots aren’t. And if all they see is the yard, they become quite territorial, which translates to barking. And if they are lonely. Or bored. You could suggest they get a bark collar but the dog needs to be trained to it. Throwing rocks at it is not a good idea.

    My dogs get to bark because they are doing their job and nobody hears them but me.

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  34. I believe she is referring to hog killin’ weather as opposed to cow killin’ weather. Old farmers waited until after the first cold snap to butcher out their meat. That’s hog killin’ weather. Cow killin’ weather involved rain or constant mist. A cow will “get down” in this weather and not be able to get back up and will die. It’s the kind of cold that will make a person catch the flu or pneumonia.
    Of course that is in Alabama. I can’t say for sure in the Southwest.

    Liked by 1 person

  37. Then I found a whole list of sayings. Some are very familiar. Some I’ve said. How many do you know or have used? I found Hog Killing Weather on here.

    Common as cornbread, old as dirt, funny as all get-out—homespun expressions link modern Texans to our rural and agricultural past, conveying the resolute spirit and plainspoken humor of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard’s Almanac; plenty just make us laugh. We asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and we present as well a sample of other axioms and adages common to the state—a collection of sayings as big as all hell and half of Texas.

    Acceptable
    It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
    That’s close enough for government work.
    Might as well. Can’t dance, never could sing, and it’s too wet to plow.
    I could sit still for that.
    You can’t beat that with a stick.

    Boastful
    He can strut sitting down.
    He’s all hat and no cattle.
    She’s all gurgle and no guts.
    He chamber-of-commerced it.

    Dishonest
    He’s on a first-name basis with the bottom of the deck.
    There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.
    So crooked that if he swallowed a nail he’d spit up a corkscrew.
    So crooked you can’t tell from his tracks if he’s coming or going.
    He knows more ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
    Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.
    Crooked as the Brazos.
    Slicker than a slop jar.
    More twists than a pretzel factory.
    Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks.
    So crooked he has to unscrew his britches at night.
    She’s more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
    He’s slicker than a boiled onion.
    I wouldn’t trust him any farther than I can throw him.

    Honest
    If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.
    You can take that to the bank.
    You can hang your hat on it.
    You can bet the farm on it.
    He’s so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone.
    If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can.

    Brave
    Brave as the first man who ate an oyster.
    Brave as a bigamist.
    Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.
    He’s double-backboned.
    He’s got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
    He’d shoot craps with the devil himself.
    She’d charge hell with a bucket of ice water.

    Argumentative, Mad
    She could start a fight in an empty house.
    He’d argue with a wooden Indian.
    She raised hell and stuck a chunk under it.
    He’s the only hell his mama ever raised.
    He’s got his tail up.
    She’s in a horn-tossing mood.
    She’s so contrary she floats up-stream.
    She’s dancing in the hog trough.
    He’ll tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.

    Timid
    He stays in the shadow of his mama’s apron.
    If he was melted down, he couldn’t be poured into a fight.
    He’s first cousin to Moses Rose.
    He wouldn’t bite a biscuit.
    He’s yellow as mustard but without the bite.
    He may not be a chicken, but he has his henhouse ways.

    Dry
    So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
    So dry the Baptists are sprinkling, the Methodists are spitting, and the Catholics are giving rain checks.
    So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
    So dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
    So dry my duck don’t know how to swim.
    It’s been dry so long, we only got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah’s Flood.
    So dry I’m spitting cotton.
    Dry as a powder house.
    Dry as the heart of a haystack.
    Drier than a popcorn fart.

    Busy
    He’s so busy you’d think he was twins.
    They’re doing a land-office business.
    Busy as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking convention.
    Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
    Busy as a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
    Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
    Busy as a stump-tailed bull in fly season.
    Busy as a hound in flea season.
    Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the south forty before breakfast.
    Got to get back to my rat killing.
    She’s jumping like hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
    Panting like a lizard on a hot rock.
    No grass growing under her feet.

    Unsophisticated
    Just fell off the turnip (watermelon, tater) truck.
    He’s so country he thinks a seven-course meal is a possum and a six-pack.
    They lived so far our in the country that the sun set between their house and town.

    Capable, Experienced
    She’s got some snap in her garters.
    He’s got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
    She’s got horse sense.
    He’s got plenty of notches on his gun.
    She’s a right smart windmill fixer.
    He could find a whisper in a whirlwind.
    There’s no slack in her rope.
    He’s a three-jump cowboy.
    He can ride the rough string.
    If she crows, the sun is up.
    This ain’t my first rodeo.

    General Advice
    Pigs get fat; hogs get slaughtered.
    A worm is the only animal that can’t fall down.
    Never sign nothing by neon.
    Just because a chicken has wings don’t mean it can fly.
    Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
    You can’t get lard unless you boil the hog.
    If you cut your own firewood, it’ll warm you twice.
    There’s more than one way to break a dog from sucking eggs.
    Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
    Don’t hang your wash on someone else’s line.
    Do God’s will, whatever the hell it may be.
    Lick that calf again? (Say what?)
    Why shear a pig?
    Don’t snap my garters.
    A guilty fox hunts his own hole.
    Quit hollering down the rain.
    Don’t rile the wagon master.
    Better to keep your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
    The barn door’s open and the mule’s trying to run. (Your fly’s down.)
    Don’t get all her up about it.
    There’s a big difference between the ox and the whiffletree.
    There’s no tree but bears some fruit.
    Skin your own buffalo.
    You better throw a sop to the dogs.
    Don’t squat on your spurs.
    Any mule’s tail can catch cockleburs.
    A drought usually ends with a flood.
    If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
    A lean dog runs fast.
    The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    Celebratory
    Let’s shoot out the lights.
    We’ll paint the town and the front porch.
    Let’s hallelujah the county.
    Put the little pot in the big pot.
    Throw your hat over the windmill.
    I’ll be there with bells on.
    I’ll wear my Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes.
    He’s all gussied up.

    Big
    Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
    Fat as a town dog.
    She’s warm in winter, shady in summer.
    He don’t care what you call him as long as you call him to supper.
    So big he looks like he ate his brother.
    So big he has to sit down in shifts.
    Big as Brewster County.Big as Dallas.
    Big as a Brahma bull.
    She’d rather shake than rattle.
    He’s big enough to bear hunt with a branch.
    He’s all spread out like a cold supper.
    Wide as two ax handles.
    He’ll eat anything that don’t eat him first.

    Cheap
    Tight as Dick’s hatband.
    Tight as a tick.
    Tight as a clothesline.
    Tight as a fiddle string.
    Tight as wallpaper.
    Tight as a wet boot.
    Tight enough to raise a blister.
    So tight he squeaks when he walks.
    He’ll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
    She has short arms and deep pockets.

    Crazy
    He’s got a big hole in his screen door.
    She’s one bubble off plumb.
    She’s one brick shy of a load.
    She’s two sandwiches short of a picnic.
    He’s a few pickles short of a barrel.
    There’s a light or two burned out on his string.
    He’s missing a few buttons off his shirt.
    The porch light’s on but no one’s home.
    He’s lost his vertical hold.
    He’s overdrawn at the memory bank.
    I hear you clucking, but I can’t find your nest.
    She’s got too many cobwebs in the attic.
    Crazy as a bullbat.
    Crazy as Larrabee’s calf.

    Lucky
    They tried to hang him but the rope broke.
    He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.
    He always draws the best bull.
    He’s riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
    He could sit on the fence and the birds would feed him.

    Rich
    In tall cotton.
    Running with the big dogs.
    He didn’t come to town two to a mule.
    She’s got more than she can say grace over.
    So rich they can eat fried chicken all week long.
    Rich enough to eat her laying hens.

    Poor
    If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn’t get to the Oklahoma line.

    He’s so broke he’s busted all ten commandments.
    Poor as a lizard-eating cat.
    Hasn’t got a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.
    So poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
    I ate so many armadillos when I was young, I still roll up into a ball when hear a dog bark.
    So poor we had to fertilize the sills before we could raise the windows.
    Poor as sawmill rats.
    He’s broke as a stick horse.
    He’s too poor to pay attention.
    So poor the wolf won’t even stop at their door.
    So poor their Sunday supper is fried water.
    Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.

    Hot
    Hot as Hades.
    Hot as the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
    Hot as a depot stove.
    Hot as a two-dollar pistol.
    Hot as a two-dollar whore on the Fourth of July.
    Hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch.
    Hot as a summer revival.
    Hot as a pot of neck bones.
    Hot as a stolen tamale.
    Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
    Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
    Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
    Hotter than a preacher’s knee.
    Hotter than a burning stump.
    Hotter than blue blazes.
    Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
    So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

    Cold
    This is hog-killing weather.
    There’s only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it’s down (after a blizzard).
    Cold as a well-digger’s knee.
    Cold as a frosted frog.
    Cold as an ex-wife’s heart.
    Cold as a cast-iron commode.
    Cold as a banker’s heart.
    Cold as hell with the furnace out.

    Sad
    I feel lower than a gopher hole.
    I feel so low I couldn’t jump off a dime.
    She eats sorrow by the spoonful.
    You look like you were sent for and couldn’t go.
    Sad enough to bring a tear to a glass eye.
    He looks like the cheese fell off his cracker.

    Small, Thin
    She wears her bra backwards and it fits.
    She’s frying size.
    He’s knee-high to a grasshopper.
    He’d have to stand up to look a rattler in the eye.
    About as big as the little end of nothing.
    Half as big as a minute.
    No bigger than moles on a chigger.
    Scrawny as Ace Reid cattle.
    Nothing between the horns and hooves but hide.
    Thin as a bar’s ear.
    Thin as a gnat’s whisker.
    Thin as store-bought thread.
    Thin as Depression soup.
    Thin as a fiddle string.
    Thin as a rake and twice as sexy.
    Flat as a fritter.
    Scarce-hipped.
    So skinny she has to stand twice to make a shadow.
    So skinny you could give her a Big Red and use her as a thermometer.
    So skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.

    Bad, Mean
    He’s such a liar he’d beat you senseless and tell God you fell off a horse.
    He was born sorry.
    He’s so low he’d steal the widow’s ax.
    He’d steal his mama’s egg money.
    He’d steal the flowers off his grandma’s grave.
    He’d steal the nickels off a dead man’s eyes.
    No-account fellow.
    Bitter as gall.
    Tough as nickel steak.
    Tough as stewed skunk.
    Tough as whang.
    Mean as a mama wasp.
    Friendly as a bramble bush.
    She makes a hornet look cuddly.
    A she-bear in satin.
    Rough as a cob.
    He looks like a sheep-killing dog.
    He lies like a tombstone.
    He wouldn’t scratch his own mama’s fleas.
    He’s got horns holding up his halo.
    We’re not on borrowing terms.
    You’re so low you have to look up to see hell.
    He’s so low you couldn’t put a rug under him.
    He jumped on me with all four feet.
    A real revolving son of a bitch.

    Fast
    He jumped on me like a duck on a june bug.
    He jumped on me like white on rice.
    He can blow out the lamp and jump into bed before it gets dark.
    He gets there in one-half less than no time.
    Quick out of the chute.
    Fast as greased lightning.
    Fast as small-town gossip.
    Faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind.
    Faster than a scalded cat.
    Faster than double-struck lightning.
    Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
    Going like a house afire.
    Hell-bent for leather.
    Any faster and he’d catch up to yesterday.
    In a New York minute.

    Strong
    His breath’s so strong you could hang out the washing on it.
    That coffee’s so strong it’ll put hair on your chest.
    Coffee so strong it’ll walk into your cup.
    Coffee so strong it’ll raise a blood blister on a boot.
    He’s so strong he makes Samson look sensitive.

    Arrival/Greetings
    Look what the cat dragged in.
    Company’s coming; add a cup of water to the soup.
    We’ve howdied but we haven’t shook.
    Put on your sitting britches.
    Let’s chaw the rag.

    Departure/Good-bye
    Let’s light a shuck.
    It’s time to heat up the bricks.
    It’s time to put the chairs in the wagon.
    It’s time to swap spit and hit the road.
    It’s time to put out the fire and call in the dogs.
    He’s heading for the wagon yard.
    Let’s blow this pop stand.
    That about puts the rag on the bush.
    Church is out.
    That’s all she wrote.

    Patience
    Hot will cool if greedy will let it.
    Take a tater and wait.
    Don’t get your panties in a wad.
    Wash off your war paint.

    Tired
    Looks like she’s been chewed up, spit out, and stepped on.
    Looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.
    She looks like chewed twine.
    He looks like Bowser’s bone.
    I was born tired and I’ve since suffered a relapse.
    One wheel down and the axle dragging.
    I’m near about past going.
    Tired as a boomtown whore.

    Sick
    He’s got a hitch in his gitalong.
    Sick as a dog passing peach pits.
    All stove up.
    I’m so sick I’d have to get better to die.
    Sore as a boil.
    Her hopper’s busted.
    As full of pains as an old window.
    I’ve got the green apple nasties.
    He looks like death warmed over.
    So sick he needs two beds.
    Pitiful as a three-legged dog.

    Talkative
    She could talk a coon right out of a tree.
    He could talk the legs off a chair.
    He could talk the gate off its hinges.
    He could talk the hide off a cow.
    He could talk the ears off a mule.
    He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
    He’s got a ten-gallon mouth.
    She speaks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty.
    Her tongue is plumb tuckered.
    She’s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth.
    She beats her own gums to death.
    He blew in on his own wind.
    He’s a live dictionary.
    He’s a chin musician.
    She has a bell clapper instead of a tongue.
    He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.

    Nervous
    Nervous as a whore in church.
    All cut up like a boardinghouse pit.
    Grinning like a mule eating cockleburs.
    Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
    Nervous as a fly in the glue pot.
    Nervous as a woodshed waiter.
    She’s chewing her bit.

    Caution
    You were too hard to raise to take chances.
    Don’t dig up more snakes than you can kill.
    Whistle before you walk into a stranger’s camp.
    Don’t plow too close to the cotton.
    A dead snake can still bite.
    A dead bee can still sting.
    Don’t tip over the outhouse.

    Putdowns
    Even a blind hog can find an acorn once in a while.
    Anytime you happen to pass my house, I’d sure appreciate it.
    What did you do with the money your mama gave you for singing lessons?
    Were you raised in a barn?
    Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
    Even the chickens under the porch know that.
    You smell like you want to be left alone.
    Go peddle your own produce.
    Go cork your pistol.
    If you break your leg, don’t come running to me.
    Whatever greases your wagon.

    Problem
    Got a big hole in the fence.
    I got my ox in a ditch.
    He loaded the wrong wagon.
    They hung the wrong horse thief.
    He ripped his britches.
    There’s a yellowjacket in the outhouse.

    Wasting Time
    Preaching to the choir.
    Burning daylight.
    Arguing with a wooden Indian.[ask AD, this is a repeat]
    Whistling up the wind.Hollering down a well.

    Vain
    He broke his arm patting himself on the back.
    He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
    I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’ll bring.
    She’s so spoiled salt couldn’t save her.
    She’s so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
    She’s got more airs than an Episcopalian.

    Drunk/Drinking
    He wasn’t born, just squeezed out of a bartender’s rag.
    Drunker than who shot John.
    Snot-slinging drunk.
    Drunk as a fiddler’s bitch.
    Drunk as Cooter Brown.
    Drunk as a skunk.
    Don’t chop any wood tonight; Daddy’s coming home with a load.
    Tighter than bark on a log.
    I’ve got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
    Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
    Jugging and jawing.
    You got her drunk, you take her home.
    Commode-hugging, knee-walking drunk.

    Desolate
    Looks like hell with everyone out to lunch.
    Out where the buses don’t run.

    Dead
    Buzzard bait.
    He gave up his guitar for a harp.
    He ate a bitter pill.

    Unwelcome
    As welcome as an egg-sucking dog.
    As welcome as an outhouse breeze.
    As welcome as screwworm.
    As welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.
    As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
    As welcome as a wet shoe.
    As welcome as a tornado on a trail drive.

    Easy
    No hill for a stepper.
    Slick as a whistle.
    Easy as pie.

    Difficult
    Like trying to bag flies.
    Like putting socks on a rooster.
    Easy as pissing up a rope.

    Failure
    He blames everything on the weather or his raising.
    He got caught in his own loop.
    He came close to the dollar knife.

    Smart
    Bright as a new penny.
    Smart as a hooty owl.
    No flies on my mama.
    Smart as a whip.

    Dumb
    If a duck had his brain, it would fly north for the winter.
    She doesn’t have enough sense to spit downwind.
    If he was bacon, he wouldn’t even sizzle.
    If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a flea.
    He carries his brains in his back pocket.
    Dumb as dirt.
    Dumb as a box of rocks.
    Dumb as a barrel of hair.
    Dumb as a post.
    Dumb as a wagon wheel.
    Dumb as a prairie dog.
    Dumb as a watermelon.
    Dumb enough for twins.
    He doesn’t know “come here” from “sic ’em.”
    He doesn’t know enough to pound sand down a rat hole.
    He can’t ride and chew at the same time.
    So stupid if you put his brains in a bumblebee, it’d fly backwards.
    If all her brains were ink, she couldn’t dot an i.
    If all her brains were dynamite, she couldn’t blow her nose.
    He don’t know which end’s up.
    He don’t know a widget from a whangdoodle.
    He don’t know nothing from nothing.
    He don’t know diddly squat.
    He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
    If he had a brain, it’d die of loneliness.
    So thick-headed you can hit him in the face with a tire iron and he won’t yell till morning.
    He could screw up an anvil.

    Beat
    He gave me the wire-brush treatment.
    I got sandpapered.
    I’ll snatch you bald-headed.
    I’ll whip you like a redheaded stepchild.
    I’ll knock you plumb into next week.
    He got his tail feathers trimmed.He’s been saucered and blowed.
    He sure cleaned your plow.

    Unacceptable
    Not what I had my face fixed for.
    Like hugging a rose bush.
    Nothing to write home about.
    That dog won’t hunt.
    I’d just as soon bite a bug.
    I don’t cotton to it.

    Confused
    Confused as a goat on AstroTurf.
    My tongue got caught in my eyeteeth and I couldn’t see what I was saying.
    I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
    He ran ’em around the barn.
    Cattywampus to Miss Jones’s.

    Immoral, Wild
    They call her “radio station” because anyone can pick her up, especially at night.
    He’s wilder than a peach orchard boar.
    She’s just naturally horizontal.
    Loose as ashes in the wind.
    Loose as a bucket of soot.
    Wilder than an acre of snakes.
    She uses her sheet for a tablecloth.
    He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.
    She’s found a new dasher for her churn.
    They are supper before they said grace.
    They planted their crop before they built their fence.
    They’re hitched bur not churched.
    They’ve got a cotton-patch license.

    Pregnant
    She’s got a bun in the oven.
    She’s sitting on the nest.
    She’s got one in the chute.
    She’s been storked.

    Citified
    Raised on concrete.
    Doesn’t know a bit from a butt.
    You don’t live longer in the city; it just seems that way.

    Noisy
    Noisy as two skeletons dancing on a tin roof.
    Noisy as a restless mule in a tin barn.
    Noisier than cats making kittens.
    Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
    Louder than Grandpa’s Sunday tie.
    He called his hogs all night. (Snored.)
    He learned to whisper in a sawmill.

    Inept, Worthless
    He could fall up a tree.
    Couldn’t ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
    He couldn’t knock a hole in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
    So bad at farming he couldn’t raise Cain.
    He couldn’t hit the floor if he fell our of bed.
    Handy as hip pockets on a hog.
    Worthless as teats on a bull.
    Worthless as a sidesaddle on a sow.
    Not worth spit.
    He couldn’t organize a pissing contest in a brewery.
    Useless as two buggies in a one-horse town.
    He could screw up a two-car funeral.
    Tie a quarter to it and throw it away, and you can say you lost something.
    He’s got no more chance than a june bug in the chicken coop.
    He’s a day late and a dollar short.
    He can’t win for losing.
    He’s sucking hind teat.
    I need that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
    She’s itching for something she won’t scratch for.
    Why close the barn door after the horses are out?
    No more good than an eyeless needle.
    Like warming up leftover snow.
    Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
    Like sweet-talking the water out of the well.

    Pretty
    So pretty she’d make a man plow through a stump.
    She can ride any horse in my string.
    She’s built like a brick outhouse.
    She’s built like a Coke bottle.
    She cleans up real nice.
    She has more curves than a barrel of snakes.
    She’s all dressed up like a country bride.
    I’d rather watch her walk than eat fried chicken.
    Pretty as twelve acres of pregnant red hogs.
    Pretty as a pie supper.
    Cute as a calico kitten on down south.
    Cute as a speckled pup under a red wagon.

    Ugly
    He looks like he was inside the outhouse when the lightning struck.
    She looks like she was born downwind of the outhouse.
    So ugly the tide wouldn’t take her our.
    So ugly his mama had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dogs would play with him.
    So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn’t have to kiss him good-bye.
    So ugly only his mama loves him—and she waits till payday.
    So ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water.
    So ugly she has to slap her feet to make them go to bed with her.
    He got whipped with an ugly stick.
    His mama had more hair in the mole on her chin.
    Looks like he was pulled through a knothole backwards.
    Looks like ten miles of bad road.
    Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.
    So buck-toothed she could eat corn through a picket fence.
    So bowlegged he couldn’t catch a pig in a ditch.
    So cross-eyed he can stand up in the middle of the week and see two Sundays.
    So freckled he looks like he swallowed a quarter and broke out in pennies.
    Ugly as a mud fence.
    Ugly as homemade sin.
    Ugly as Grandpa’s toenails.
    He’s got a face like the back end of bad luck.
    She can’t help being ugly, but she could stay home.
    He couldn’t get a date at the Chicken Ranch with a truckload of fryers.

    Good, Happy
    Sweeter than stolen honey.
    Sweeter than baby’s breath.
    Sweeter than an old maid’s dream.
    He took to you like a hog to persimmons.
    He took to you like a fish to water.
    Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
    Happy as a clam at high tide.
    Happy as a hog in mud.
    Safe as Granny’s snuffbox.
    Fair to middling.
    Pert as a cricket.
    Soft as a two-minute egg.
    All wool and a yard wide.
    I’m cooking on a front burner today.
    If I felt any better, I’d drop my harp plumb through the cloud.
    If I felt any better, I’d think it was a setup.
    Clean as a coon.
    Fat and sassy.
    All sweetness and light.
    This is so good it’ll make childbirth a pleasure.
    Fine as frog fur.
    Fine as dollar cotton.
    Fine as boomtown silk.
    Fine as cream gravy.
    The porch light is always burning.
    Long as I got a biscuit, you got half.

    Distance
    Down the road a piece.
    A fur piece.
    Turn left past yonder.
    I won’t say it’s far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.
    Two hoots and a holler away.

    Lazy
    He hangs out more often than Mama’s washing.
    He’s like a blister—he doesn’t show up till the work’s all done.

    Shy
    Shy as a mail-order bride.
    Shy as a crocus.
    Shy as sapphires.

    Dark
    As dark as the inside of a wolf.
    Dark as coffin air.
    Dark as a pocket.
    Dark as a cow.
    Dark as a blue norther.
    Dark as the devil’s riding boots.
    Dark as truck-stop coffee.

    Handy
    Handy as sliced bread.
    Handy as shirt pockets.
    Handy as a rope at a hanging.
    Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.

    Scarce
    Scarce as hen’s teeth.
    Scarce as grass around a hog trough.
    Scarce as rain barrels.
    Scarce as a virgin in a cathouse.

    Dull (as a knife)
    You could ride all the way to Big Spring on it and never split a hair.
    It wouldn’t cut hot butter.
    You could scratch your back with and never draw blood.

    Dull (boring)
    As exciting as waiting for paint to dry.
    As exciting as a mashed-potato sandwich.
    As much fun as chopping wood.Dull as Henry’s bone.

    Miscellaneous
    Independent as a hog on ice.
    I don’t know you from Adam’s off ox.
    Thick as the dew on Dixie.
    Thick as fleas on a farm dog.
    That’s two different buckets of possums.
    Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
    Come hell or high water.
    Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
    I don’t care if it harelips the governor.
    Serious as the business end of a .45.
    Baptists and Johnson grass are raking over.
    He’s so slow he could gain weight walking.
    Out like Lottie’s eye.

    Like

  38. The latest in the barking neighbor saga…

    Mrs B tells me that the dog barked continuously until noon. That’s five hours from when I first heard it at 7:00. She said, “this can not go on”. So I’m assigned to speak with the neighbor tonight. I’m one of the least confrontational people you know, so I don’t relish bringing it up. The man is generally nice enough and we’ve had friendly conversations in the front yard, but I don’t know them well. I’ll certainly relay Mumsee’s exercise advice.

    And this had better not interfere with the Jeopardy online test tonight!

    Liked by 3 people

  39. Kevin, you probably aren’t the only neighbor saying that to them — I’m sure (?) they’re aware of it and may be trying to figure out how to resolve it. Co-worker once got a dog and they insisted on keeping it in the yard nearly 24/7. They finally got rid of the dog because of barking complaints.

    Dogs are social animals and they do also get bored. I’ve generally found that locking a dog outside to prevent something (damage to the house or?) almost always backfires on me (chewed up screen, barking).

    My dogs bark at gardeners and garden tool noise, but otherwise are pretty good.

    Wtih the doggie door, they’re in and out while i’m gone — but they mostly stay in, I think.

    Discovering a new wrinkle in the bathroom window issue — what to do about the vinyl window trim on the exterior of the house as it’ll be smack in the middle of 3 other wood-trimmed windows.that will be painted to match whatever exterior trim color I may decide on later.

    Guess it’ll just have to stand out, at least it’s on the side of the house.

    You apparently can’t paint vinyl (very successfully) which I’d consider to be one gigantic downside for vinyl window replacement.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. Kim, a killing freeze means that yesterday the garden was still beautiful, and today it is black. It got so cold last night, that the plants froze solid. The sun comes up and it thaws into a mess. A light frost will nip the edges of the plants, but they can continue to grow. I was not expecting it until Thursday, and was going to cover the squash and tomatoes to extend the season a little.

    I enjoyed your “sayings”. It brought many old friends to mind. I could hear the words in their voice. I had one elderly friend who used to say about a henpecked husband: “Well…if he likes the hen that pecks him.” I wish yall could have heard that said in her Texas hill country voice.

    Liked by 1 person

  41. And when the dogs were new, I made it a point of telling my neighbor to let me know if they were barking excessively while I was gone

    Like

  42. We’ve had 6 inches of wet snow here last night and today and it’s still coming down. The temperature is hovering right around freezing so that makes for some treacherous road conditions. Hopefully it will melt in the next week and we’ll still have a nice fall.

    Liked by 2 people

  45. I’ve heard many of those Kim. But not all. I don’t use clichés. That is the second thing they teach you in preaching class. The first is not to use verbal pauses. (umm, uh, you know) .
    When we lived in Va. and went to Elvera’s house, he dad was usually sitting on the front porch. He’d always holler, “Momma get the shotgun”..
    Elvera would always say “Faster then forty going north”. I suspect “forty” was the number of a local train. She doesn’t know.
    When I did something stupid, my dad used to say, “A fool has to learn everything the hard way..”

    Liked by 1 person

  46. Elvera used to be “busier than killing snakes.” and she was “pretty as a picture”.
    Mother used to tell people that I would argue with a sign post.
    And sometimes she was so busy she met herself coming back.

    Liked by 1 person

  54. Kim- I don’t think mildew is much if a problem for vinyl window frames in LA. Melting in the heat might be more likely. (Unless it is a window near the cold dog park.)

    Liked by 2 people

  58. Kim, I’m mostly wondering about outside trim since it sits side by side with wood-trim windows. on the side of the house. It’ll really stick out — unless I go bright white trim on all those side windows on the outside?

    Someone really needs to come up with a better material than vinyl for replacement windows. pretty soon we’ll all have BRIGHT WHITE vinyl windows that all look alike, block after block.

    I’m a wood purist, though I know wood comes with its issues.

    Like

  66. I don’t remember James Bond anywhere. Was that the first question? I bobbled my windows and missed the first one.

    Harder than I remembered, and definitely harder than the practice test, don’t you think?

    Like

  67. So who did write James Bond? You must have had different questions. I had one about the person who wrote a lot of spy novels, and presumed it was Arthur Conan Doyle. And I could not remember Rip Van Winkle’s name! Argh!

    I guess I’ll be watching Kevin and Michelle on Jeopardy! next year. I hope they are not on at the same time, or I’ll be hoping for a tie game.

    Like

  68. I always figured they have a different test each night, but I didn’t realize they have different tests at the same time! I did not see Bond, spy novels, or Rip Van Winkle.

    I keep a tally as I go along of how many of my answers were Certain, Probable, Possible (reasonable educated guess but no real knowledge), and No Idea. I only had 13 Certains. Applying percentages to each category I imagine I scored in the low 20s. I don’t think they’ll call me, but I had fun anyway.

    Like

  75. I normally do well in tests, but not in trivia. And I don’t like games that have you timed and under pressure. Give me the same number of questions and the same total time to answer them (but not subdivided into how long for each time), and I might do well. But count down 30 seconds for each and I won’t remember even the ones I know. My brain doesn’t work that way.

    But many of their categories are geography, history, and pop culture, and I just don’t do well on those. The animal ones I almost always know, and the word ones I often know, and the literature, and of course I know the Bible ones. But don’t ask me ones about music, TV, sports, etc. All in all, although I can answer a decent number along with the contestants on any given night, even in that small amount of “timed” pressure I end up forgetting some that I know. Give me all of the questions in written form as a test, and a pen to write the answers, and I’ll do much better. Do it as multiple choice and of course I’ll do better yet. But add the time pressure, and an oral test, with a heavy percentage of the questions in categories where I don’t do well, and it’s not my thing at all.

    Liked by 2 people

  77. Michelle, Sarajevo was also the only city I could think of!

    At least this time I didn’t realize I’d given the wrong answer immediately after time was up for the question. That’s so frustrating.

    Liked by 1 person

  79. I said Zagreb for the capitol, then realized it’s the capitol of Croatia, I think. But it’s the first city that came to mind in the former Yugoslavia, mainly since I spent a few days there in 1977.

    Liked by 1 person

  80. And I had an algebra question. I can’t solve for y in 15 seconds! I think it was 4x+1=7y. If x=5, what’s y? I guessed 2 but realize it’s 3.

    Liked by 1 person

  82. I’m trying to figure out how many square feet of tile to order for the bathroom. This will be funny. Or sad.

    Meanwhile, I’ve lost the tape measure so i guess that means no plotting on the bathroom tonight.

    Like

  83. So none of us knew the capital of Serbia! I think we’d know it if we had gone to school 20 years later. But Serbia wasn’t a country when we were in school. Similarly I’m terrible with all the former SSRs.

    Like

  84. Yep, y=3. That was easy. There is an element of luck in Jeopardy. I think Peter knows more than I do in general but if we get a math category I can ace it.

    Like

  86. Ah, I think I have the answer, thanks to the dog park. I have one guy advising me on tile and another giving me, via email, a primer on beadboard and how much of that to order. All hail the dog park.

    Liked by 1 person

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