Prayer Requests 7-1-20

It’s Wednesday, so don’t forget Ajissun and the folks in The Gambia.

Anyone else?

Psalm 127

A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
   Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
   toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them.
   They will not be put to shame
    when they contend with their opponents in court.

19 thoughts on “Prayer Requests 7-1-20

  1. Finally, Flyboy’s co-worker Tanner got his Covid test results yesterday and they were negative. So Flyboy is out of restriction to his bedroom, and we enjoyed having him join us for dinner last night.

    Liked by 8 people

  2. Wisdom. We are supposed to be off camping in a couple of weeks, with twenty three left to take care of the place. She is acting like she is ready to leave this crazy joint and go back to her party life. We don’t think she can be counted on to take care of the animals.

    Liked by 7 people

  3. Nightingale has set up a strict schedule/routine for Boy for each day that is very hard to enforce. I suggested a looser routine that would accomplish the same things, but she hasn’t replied to me about that yet. This one is pretty much setting both Boy and me up for failure.

    Sadly, she will see it as my failure, seeing me as too weak and soft. Please pray that she will see the wisdom in the alternative I suggested. Thank you.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Kizzie, it seems to me that if you are leaving your child in someone else’s care for multiple hours per week, you can’t really give a precise schedule to the caregiver (at least until it is already in place, such as following a two-week break in which mother and son have established it as habit).

    I think a mother can say to her child that he needs to stay in his room for an hour every afternoon and let his grandmother get a break, or something along that line. But you agreed to watch him as his grandmother, NOT as his tutor with her overseeing you and your success.

    This is the prayer request thread and probably not a place for such details, but do you think it would help if you told us what sort of schedule is being given and let people give you some feedback as to which aspects of it seem reasonable to expect of him (and of you)? Also if she has specific reasons for the limits (e.g., she thinks it will be better for his health if he is outside at least an hour each day).

    If I were watching my toddler granddaughter, I would expect to receive fairly detailed instructions as to when she naps, when she eats, what she eats and how much. If I were watching a four-year-old I hadn’t watched before, it would help to know what she likes to do and what skills she has, as well as the household rules. But if I were watching a child beyond preschool years in my own house multiple hours a week, I’d pretty much want to establish my own routine and just know a few details. If he gets one piece of candy after working on math for half an hour, it’s good to know that. If he is not allowed to use a certain word and she has been hearing him using it, that would be helpful to know. Guidelines on how much TV he can watch, how much sugar he can eat, etc. are helpful to know–they keep the care consistent. But you have raised two children to adulthood, and you’re smart enough to figure out most of the details by yourself or with her suggestions. It certainly makes sense for her to say, “He sleeps better and listens better if he gets outside for at least 90 minutes and doesn’t have any sugar past 3:00 p.m.” But if she has the day regimented like a school day and you’re expected to follow her schedule, that’s probably too much to ask unless you yourself think it’s a good idea or unless she explains her reasons well.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Kizzie that is a tough one. Should you not be consulted as she is preparing a schedule for her son. After all you are the one supervising him while she is at work. Just my view but I do believe she should show greater respect for her Mom in this situation… 😞

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear [Nightingale],

    Regarding the daily schedule/routine you have set up for [Boy], here is what I am comfortable with and will enforce:

    ——————————

    Here is what I am not comfortable with and will not enforce:

    —————————–

    You are free to find another caregiver for [Boy] if you aren’t comfortable with the above.

    Love,
    Mom

    FWIW.

    Like

  7. In other words, if she’s going to give you a list of things to do with your caregiving hours without having the respect to collaborate with you first, then you can take her list, item by item, and accept or reject each directive.

    No need to offer any explanations about why you accept or reject each particular expectation. She’s not interested in your reasons for or against her dictates, or she would have asked you first and worked with you.

    Someday she will be smart enough — maybe she already is now — to see that your unwillingness to be micromanaged like a helpless child is a strength.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I may have mentioned it before but when Wesley was young we became friends with a mother who had a son a few months younger than Wesley. I think the boys were three. She wanted to pay me to keep her son while she worked as a nurse. She did not believe in spanking and said I would not be allowed to use spanking for discipline. We had already established gentle spanking as one way Wesley was disciplined. I did not choose to take on that duty to keep her child and bend how I disciplined my child. I could not see using one form of discipline on my child and not on the other. I guess I am just trying to say that micromanaging caregivers is like being uber controlling. I don’t think the demands are helpful for anyone. It’s not good for your self-esteem, it’s not good to set up a bad/mean grandmom and rebellious child situation (doomed to failure and collapse of a good relationship), and it is not good for her to think she can get away with being so controlling. I can see how she feels so out of control on other fronts but she is trying to overcompensate on the home front. I am sad to see this unreasonable expectation. Prayers for you to be strong in the face of her stubborn opposition in this, Kizzie. Let God guide and be your strength in your times of weakness.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It’s not an exact schedule by time of day, but a routine of stopping whatever he is doing to do some exercising. and read for 15 minutes, at certain intervals throughout the day.

    The day actually went better than I had anticipated after our slow start this morning. Although he didn’t do those things as often in the day as Nightingale initially wanted, she was happy that he made an effort. (So was I.) So apparently she isn’t being as strict about it as she sounded when she first told us. We will still aim for what she would like, but it is a relief to know that she isn’t being militant about it.

    The situation I am in is a kind of tricky one. I am not “only the babysitter”, but somewhat of a co-parent, which puts a little more responsibility on my shoulders. It is stressful at times, but it also gives me a deeper sense of purpose, especially with Hubby gone now. (Often, I feel that I am “grandparenting” for the both of us, although I cannot take his place.)

    We are going to try to improve on this routine through this week, and if I find that it is still unreasonable, then I will suggest my modification of it again.

    I am feeling better than I was this morning when I thought she was expecting miracles. 🙂

    Like

  10. Sounds to me, Kizzie, like she is simply trying to give you some strategies to keep him moving along so he does not become bored and a problem. May have come across a tad heavy handed but I think she was trying to help you.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Kizzie, it puts a bit more responsibility on your shoulders . . . but it also puts a bit more authority on your shoulders. If you’re leaving for the evening and your husband is going to watch the children, you might remind him that so and so has math homework, but you’re not going to dictate how he cares for your child (or you shouldn’t).

    But taking breaks to read or exercise do sound doable.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Carol got home from the hospital the night before last but now they’ve decided her feet look worse so she is being sent to a nursing home for 2-4 weeks. Sends chills down my spine as those are the hot-bed places for covid cases. She’s going to call me to tell me which one it is when she arrives and I’ll go ahead and look it up on the county list. I won’t necessarily share any of that with her, I don’t want to alarm her, but I was so sorry to hear that.

    Liked by 3 people

  13. Apologies in advance for the long post.

    Kizzie, exercise and reading breaks are good and reasonable. What Nightingale should understand, if she doesn’t already, is that you, as an adult, have free agency. You should be able to decide how many such breaks are reasonable when your grandson is in your charge, according to the ebb and flow of your days and your understanding of yourself, Boy, and how you and he interact in your natural environment.

    A related personal anecdote from my days as a young mother with 1st Arrow in daycare:

    His first babysitter liked to go places regularly during the daytime. Every time she wanted to go somewhere, she’d ask me to leave his car seat at her house that day.

    I, as a new mom, would rather have had the security of knowing my son was not being carted around so many places while I was at work. Thing was, however, even though I had the right to express what I felt was best for my son, it was not within my jurisdiction to tell the daycare provider she must stay home when my child is there. If I didn’t like a certain way she ran her business, I was free to go elsewhere. And I did — albeit for a different reason that was serious and outside the scope of this conversation.

    Some years later, by which time I had become a stay-at-home mom, I met a sweet lady from our church who was an experienced daycare provider. She said she enjoyed that work, but she did point out that there would sometimes be parents who would tell her they didn’t want her to go anywhere with the children. She didn’t go places often, but she wanted (and knew she possessed) the liberty to make an occasional foray out of her home with the daycare children in tow.

    In other words, she didn’t let the children’s parents tell her how to run or not run her business. She laid out her convictions clearly and cheerfully, and if they didn’t like that, they were free to look elsewhere.

    When she told me that, it was the first time I’d stopped to think about a caregiver’s personal autonomy. I’d only thought about what I wanted for my kid while he was in someone else’s care.

    Is your personal autonomy on Nighingale’s mind when she thinks about what she wants for her son while she’s at work? It does not seem that that was in her thought process when she apparently sprung this new plan on you and Boy at the same time and expected its immediate implementation.

    My point in all this is to say that a child care provider, and you are one, has freedom of choice, within the constraints of the law, in how to manage one’s time during caregiving. It is certainly wise to consider the parents’ viewpoint on various matters related to the child’s age, skills, etc., like Cheryl pointed out, but ultimately, it is your decision to make on how you arrange your day.

    You can certainly decide to make more suggestions to Nightingale if trying to follow her way doesn’t work, but please don’t forget you are well within your bounds to skip the “suggestions” route altogether and simply state your terms, like the daycare provider from my church whom I mentioned above. IMHO, your daughter and grandson will learn more quickly to respect you when you assert your legitimate right to autonomy and having your own terms under which you will or will not provide care in your home.

    If, on the other hand, she thinks she can control you and your days with Boy, even if loosely or without militancy, then she may very well believe she has every right to get angry at you when you fail to achieve her objectives.

    Consider Michelle’s wise questions, “And what will happen if you don’t accomplish the list? Will you get fired?”

    You don’t want to get fired by an angry woman, by a woman who sounds like she has little to no patience for what she deems weakness and failure. If she’s calling the shots, and your aim is to live up to her every childcare expectation to the best of your ability, it won’t be enough to her if you try and fail (if her history is any indication). Failure is unacceptable, in a perfectionist’s thinking, and worthy of a blowup when her standards, for herself or others, aren’t met. At least that’s what it sounds like happens when she has a bad day.

    Instead, Kizzie, how about show yourself to be the autonomous woman you are, with control over your own daily schedule? Then maybe Nightingale will be able to see herself as an equally autonomous woman who is free to accept or calmly reject — by dispassionately hiring another caregiver — how you will conduct and direct your time at home when she’s not there and her son is.

    A “firing” in the heat of the moment won’t end well. A “firing” as in, hmmm, we don’t agree on this, and it’s important to me, so I will look for someone else to watch Boy, is cleaner and has much greater potential to keep relationships intact.

    P.S. It is not lost on me that, in writing, I probably sound as bossy as I think Nightingale is. 😉 I only say all of this because I know the freedom from angst I’ve found by running my business according to my terms, and not letting piano parents walk all over me like some did in the past when I was less assertive in communicating my terms and enforcing them. Now I love what I do, and there is so much less stress than in my earlier days as a teacher.

    And if respect is important in business (and I believe it is), then how much more important is it in family relationships?

    I pray that for you, Kizzie (that your children and grandson will learn to respect you). May the Spirit guide and protect you and yours.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. Those who are not in a position where they regularly keep the grandchildren in their home for more than a visit with grandma don’t really understand the precarious position you are in, in wanting the best for your grandchild and not wanting to fight with your adult child. While it is well and good to say “Let her fire you”, Kizzie and I both know that is not a realistic solution, and certainly not one that will lead to family peace and unity in the long run. Kizzie, I am praying for you, sister, as I have walked in your shoes. Keep on loving the boy and the nurse.

    Liked by 3 people

  15. RKessler, we may not have full understanding of the precise nature of that relationship, but everyone commenting on here is more than 50 years old with a lifetime of relationship experience and more than a decade of knowing Kizzie and hearing about her family relationships.

    I personally entered a “precarious” relationship by becoming a stepmother to two teenagers in an established family. (They’d lived in the same community as long as the girls could remember, with both sides of the family–grandparents and all aunts and uncles and most cousins–all living within half an hour, in the same house since they were elementary school age and the same school for K-12, the same church for seven or eight years, etc.) I couldn’t “rock the boat” too much. There were times that had I been the bio mother I would have put my foot down more firmly. For instance, I insisted the girls had to do more of the housework than their own laundry (they didn’t even wash their own bathroom when we married; my husband cleaned the toilet periodically, they cleaned the sink only when told to do so, and nobody had ever cleaned the shower). I suggested they should be the ones washing dishes, that that wasn’t too big a responsibility to lay totally on older teenagers. He ended up giving them four days a week and us having three, which to me wasn’t adequate but it wasn’t really my decision . . . and then, when they didn’t fully take even that light share of the work, he often washed the dishes on their days. (I didn’t. I will not take on a child’s responsibility when she’s fully capable and isn’t sick or otherwise unable.) One girl would sometimes come into the library and yell at us for 15 minutes or so to express her frustration about something. Had I been her bio mother, I likely would have said something about her style of presentation; as it was, I generally left such matters to my husband, and apparently he didn’t see what I saw, that if we wouldn’t have raised our voices in telling her our concerns about the way she behaved, then she shouldn’t have done it to us, either.

    The reality is, though we may not understand exactly what it feels like to try to keep the peace in that situation, we do understand that Kizzie is in a precarious position while her daughter sees her mother as somewhat inept and needing to be told how to run her day, and we know that Kizzie needs to respond with professional calmness and as a full adult in her own house and the lives of her daughter and grandson. If she were caring for her grandson just one time, then being told exactly how his schedule usually worked might work. Since it is a regular thing, she needs to be the adult who cares for her child the way that seems best to her.

    Liked by 2 people

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