It’s Wednesday, so don’t forget Ajisuun and The Gambia.
Anyone else?
Psalm 119:105-112
105 Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. 106 I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws. 107 I have suffered much; preserve my life, Lord, according to your word. 108 Accept, Lord, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws. 109 Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law. 110 The wicked have set a snare for me, but I have not strayed from your precepts. 111 Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart. 112 My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end.
Kizzie, I have also yelled at my children and, once, at one grandchild, who was a particular challenge. He is a wonderful adult and wonderful when stubborn in the right way.
Yelling at one’s children or grandchildren is, often, a learned thing. It is a difficult habit to break, but it may have nothing to do with being abused. The definition of abuse has changed much in the last decades, of course.
I would also think, that seeing an adult yell and then apologize, might give The Boy some hope for himself. Not that I am advocating adults ever losing it or yelling at children.
Praying for wisdom, as usual, for you and mumsee etc.
6 Arrows (replying to your comment to me last night, which I didn’t see until this morning) – Your question – if I had been abused – caused me to kind of gasp. My mom could be verbally/emotionally abusive at times. And although there is no memory of this, I have had many “symptoms” (for lack of a better word to come to mind) of sexual abuse. But since I don’t have an actual memory of it, although I have a suspicion of when it could have been, I cannot actually say that that is the case. But yes, my mom’s treatment of me has caused some difficulties for me.
I remember begging God to “make me good”. (I didn’t know anything about the gospel, just had a general belief in God.) The thing is, I was a really good kid.
Since reading your other comment last night, I have been thinking & praying about the situation. Believe me, it bothers me, too. Prayers for wisdom & strength are appreciated.
This week is super busy, as I’m sure it must be for most of us, so, unless the opportunity presents itself sooner, I am going to wait until next week to talk to Nightingale, but I will tell Chickadee my concerns soon. At least we won’t be childsitting much more this week. (Nightingale worked six days in a row, so ends up with three in a row off this week.)
Thank you for your heartfelt concern, & for your prayers. God bless!
What? There are parents who don’t yell at their children? I used to not until my dad told me it was okay. One of the three’s favorite stories is when I bit off son’s nose. I had never really gotten into one of their face’s before but he had done some egregious thing and I got right in his face with a rather loud voice. They were stunned but the infraction was never repeated and it was obviously memorable to them.
Kathaleena – Just saw your comment after replying to 6 Arrows. Thank you for your prayers as well.
Yes, that boy is a stubborn, challenging one (like his mom was, & I understand his dad was, too). That doesn’t make it right to yell at him, of course. With me, it is only when I am at the end of my rope that I might yell, but I’m trying not to do even that (& I don’t yell very often, either, but still. . .) And yes, I apologize, & hug him afterwards.
I know it is a danger that he may internalize the anger directed at him, thinking it is his fault. But he seems, at least, to not do that. He gets mad at the person yelling instead of feeling bad about his behavior, seeming to see it as their problem. (And I’m not so sure that’s a good thing, either.)
Mumsee – Indeed, it is what we do now that counts.
When Nightingale was born, that was what released the feelings about my own mother, & I started to recognize that how she treated me was wrong, & not my own fault. I determined to seek to forgive her (which I eventually did, with God’s help), & to not repeat her mistakes. Of course, I made my own mistakes.
I don’t actually recall the incident, it did not have the same impact on me. But they said it appeared as if I was going to bite off his nose. I can’t tell you what actually happened but he appears to have a regular size schnozz.
Kathaleena’s paragraph 3, sentence 1 says exactly what I meant to convey, but in a much clearer way than all my words yesterday said. In fact, very good thoughts on many of the sentiments expressed on this thread today.
I have about a million jumbled thoughts about some of this we’ve been discussing, and feel like I need to clarify a couple of things I said yesterday that didn’t come out as clearly as I think they could have, but have a very busy day ahead, so will leave this particular discussion thread for another time.
However, if you’re interested in the names of the two books I referenced on yesterday’s prayer thread, titles I’m reading now that have got me deep in thought about some of these topics we’re discussing, the names are 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success and No More Christian Nice Girl: When Just Being Nice — Instead of Good — Hurts You, Your Family, and Your Friends.
The former I found at our local public library; the latter in our church library, believe it or not. Here’s a peek inside the books, if you’re curious:
Kizzie, I went back and read yesterday’s posts. I would encourage you to thoughtfully consider what 6 wrote.
You know that I have struggled with BG. When I “gave up” and let things be is when she started coming back to me. The therapist told me that her relationship with Mr. P was between the two of them and to stay out of it. I finally took that advice. Thanksgiving she hugged him. The recent times she has been home she has spoken to him and Sunday when she posted a photo of us from my phone and he commented she told me “he isn’t all that bad, I probably should un-block him from Facebook”, so she did.
Take my free advice, because I have paid REAL money to be able to tell you these things. Back off where Chickadee is concerned. Think about a puppy. The more you chase it the farther it will run. Stop chasing and it will come back. Sometimes if you start running in the other direction, it will run after you. Believe me when I tell you I understand. I truly do.
Whatever is going on with Chickadee, she is an adult in the eyes of the law and the medical profession. You have no control.
Kim – I understand; I really do. But I really am not pushing her in any way. She childsits with me because that is her choice right now. Not too long ago, I reminded her that she is not under any obligation to continue.
I do not bring up the subject of hoping she’d move home (except for that one time I did so in the hospital right after Hubby died, & I did not pursue it after she declined), & I try not to burden her in any way. Truly, I keep it light with her.
Re: My own comments that I keep it light & try not to burden her – Sometimes I wonder if maybe it would be better for her if I did expect more from her, at least while we are childsitting.
Well, again, that points out the need to pray for wisdom & insight.
Kizzie, on your 2:22 comment about wondering if you should expect more from Chickadee when she is childsitting. I believe you said in the past that she was paid for her time. In that case, yes, there should be some basic expectations of duties to fulfill during the time she is paid for. Regarding it as an employment situation also gives good grounds for requiring her to keep her emotions in check. Most people would not hire a daycare worker who loses their temper and yells at their charges.
Regarding generally yelling at the children in one’s care, certainly, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I am, however, hard put to it to remember a time when my mother actually yelled at me, though my father did yell on the rare occasion. Yelling is the kind of speech that happens when someone loses their temper and can no longer control their emotion of anger. There is nothing wrong with getting angry, but we must be careful to not sin in that anger. My mother’s tone would sharpen and rise in volume when she reproved us but she didn’t scream or say things that were personal attacks against us. There is a difference between saying sharply and more loudly than a normal speaking tone “Stop that right now!” to a child who is misbehaving; and screaming “I can’t believe you are so stupid!” at the same child. A child knows when an adult has lost control of their emotions and it scares them, because they know that out of control anger could hurt them. Some children, in response to such anger, will fight back in order to defend themselves from what they see as a threat. The few times my father did yell and respond to bad or foolish behaviour with unrestrained anger, he responded more harshly than the offense deserved (this is something that has been since acknowledged and he certainly was not ever abusive). Anger is a valid emotion and has its place, but we also need to remember that “the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). I find if I try to respond to something while I’m in the grasp of absolute anger, it chokes me and I can only yell; but if I stop that anger from rising to the absolute pitch, I can direct it into more constructive channels, and by speaking quietly but forcefully, get my point across much more effectively.
Funny thing is, I don’t recall my parents ever yelling at us. My dad had the disgusted look down, intimidating to think one has let down one’s dad. On the other hand, certain of my children tell me I am always screaming at them if my voice becomes just a tad firmer. I know how to scream but don’t recall screaming at a child.
I think quiet authority is the best, but it must be backed up by action, ASAP. That is often why parents yell; they let things go and children become deaf to their requests.
I don’t remember being yelled at, either. But my dad did give me a couple spankings, but only a couple. I don’t really remember them, I just remember the build-up (“Wait ’til your father gets home”) so they must not have been all that horrible.
Wandering Views 
Kizzie, I have also yelled at my children and, once, at one grandchild, who was a particular challenge. He is a wonderful adult and wonderful when stubborn in the right way.
Yelling at one’s children or grandchildren is, often, a learned thing. It is a difficult habit to break, but it may have nothing to do with being abused. The definition of abuse has changed much in the last decades, of course.
I would also think, that seeing an adult yell and then apologize, might give The Boy some hope for himself. Not that I am advocating adults ever losing it or yelling at children.
Praying for wisdom, as usual, for you and mumsee etc.
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Thanks for prayers yesterday. My answer is going to be no and there’s peace on that.
Besides, if pride is the reason to do something, you probably should do something else, right? 🙂
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6 Arrows (replying to your comment to me last night, which I didn’t see until this morning) – Your question – if I had been abused – caused me to kind of gasp. My mom could be verbally/emotionally abusive at times. And although there is no memory of this, I have had many “symptoms” (for lack of a better word to come to mind) of sexual abuse. But since I don’t have an actual memory of it, although I have a suspicion of when it could have been, I cannot actually say that that is the case. But yes, my mom’s treatment of me has caused some difficulties for me.
I remember begging God to “make me good”. (I didn’t know anything about the gospel, just had a general belief in God.) The thing is, I was a really good kid.
Since reading your other comment last night, I have been thinking & praying about the situation. Believe me, it bothers me, too. Prayers for wisdom & strength are appreciated.
This week is super busy, as I’m sure it must be for most of us, so, unless the opportunity presents itself sooner, I am going to wait until next week to talk to Nightingale, but I will tell Chickadee my concerns soon. At least we won’t be childsitting much more this week. (Nightingale worked six days in a row, so ends up with three in a row off this week.)
Thank you for your heartfelt concern, & for your prayers. God bless!
LikeLiked by 2 people
What? There are parents who don’t yell at their children? I used to not until my dad told me it was okay. One of the three’s favorite stories is when I bit off son’s nose. I had never really gotten into one of their face’s before but he had done some egregious thing and I got right in his face with a rather loud voice. They were stunned but the infraction was never repeated and it was obviously memorable to them.
Michelle, amen.
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Kizzie, none of us had a perfect childhood. It is what we do with what we got that counts.
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Praying for B and family.
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Kathaleena – Just saw your comment after replying to 6 Arrows. Thank you for your prayers as well.
Yes, that boy is a stubborn, challenging one (like his mom was, & I understand his dad was, too). That doesn’t make it right to yell at him, of course. With me, it is only when I am at the end of my rope that I might yell, but I’m trying not to do even that (& I don’t yell very often, either, but still. . .) And yes, I apologize, & hug him afterwards.
I know it is a danger that he may internalize the anger directed at him, thinking it is his fault. But he seems, at least, to not do that. He gets mad at the person yelling instead of feeling bad about his behavior, seeming to see it as their problem. (And I’m not so sure that’s a good thing, either.)
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Mumsee – Indeed, it is what we do now that counts.
When Nightingale was born, that was what released the feelings about my own mother, & I started to recognize that how she treated me was wrong, & not my own fault. I determined to seek to forgive her (which I eventually did, with God’s help), & to not repeat her mistakes. Of course, I made my own mistakes.
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Well, biting off a nose is a tad to far, IMHO.
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And so it goes. It is as if we are all human. Fallen and yet redeemed.
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I don’t actually recall the incident, it did not have the same impact on me. But they said it appeared as if I was going to bite off his nose. I can’t tell you what actually happened but he appears to have a regular size schnozz.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Kathaleena’s paragraph 3, sentence 1 says exactly what I meant to convey, but in a much clearer way than all my words yesterday said. In fact, very good thoughts on many of the sentiments expressed on this thread today.
I have about a million jumbled thoughts about some of this we’ve been discussing, and feel like I need to clarify a couple of things I said yesterday that didn’t come out as clearly as I think they could have, but have a very busy day ahead, so will leave this particular discussion thread for another time.
However, if you’re interested in the names of the two books I referenced on yesterday’s prayer thread, titles I’m reading now that have got me deep in thought about some of these topics we’re discussing, the names are 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success and No More Christian Nice Girl: When Just Being Nice — Instead of Good — Hurts You, Your Family, and Your Friends.
The former I found at our local public library; the latter in our church library, believe it or not. Here’s a peek inside the books, if you’re curious:
LikeLiked by 2 people
Kizzie, I went back and read yesterday’s posts. I would encourage you to thoughtfully consider what 6 wrote.
You know that I have struggled with BG. When I “gave up” and let things be is when she started coming back to me. The therapist told me that her relationship with Mr. P was between the two of them and to stay out of it. I finally took that advice. Thanksgiving she hugged him. The recent times she has been home she has spoken to him and Sunday when she posted a photo of us from my phone and he commented she told me “he isn’t all that bad, I probably should un-block him from Facebook”, so she did.
Take my free advice, because I have paid REAL money to be able to tell you these things. Back off where Chickadee is concerned. Think about a puppy. The more you chase it the farther it will run. Stop chasing and it will come back. Sometimes if you start running in the other direction, it will run after you. Believe me when I tell you I understand. I truly do.
Whatever is going on with Chickadee, she is an adult in the eyes of the law and the medical profession. You have no control.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Kim – I understand; I really do. But I really am not pushing her in any way. She childsits with me because that is her choice right now. Not too long ago, I reminded her that she is not under any obligation to continue.
I do not bring up the subject of hoping she’d move home (except for that one time I did so in the hospital right after Hubby died, & I did not pursue it after she declined), & I try not to burden her in any way. Truly, I keep it light with her.
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I realize I have no control over her, which is why I cry out to God to do a mighty work in her, to do a miracle in her & for her.
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Re: My own comments that I keep it light & try not to burden her – Sometimes I wonder if maybe it would be better for her if I did expect more from her, at least while we are childsitting.
Well, again, that points out the need to pray for wisdom & insight.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Kizzie, on your 2:22 comment about wondering if you should expect more from Chickadee when she is childsitting. I believe you said in the past that she was paid for her time. In that case, yes, there should be some basic expectations of duties to fulfill during the time she is paid for. Regarding it as an employment situation also gives good grounds for requiring her to keep her emotions in check. Most people would not hire a daycare worker who loses their temper and yells at their charges.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Regarding generally yelling at the children in one’s care, certainly, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I am, however, hard put to it to remember a time when my mother actually yelled at me, though my father did yell on the rare occasion. Yelling is the kind of speech that happens when someone loses their temper and can no longer control their emotion of anger. There is nothing wrong with getting angry, but we must be careful to not sin in that anger. My mother’s tone would sharpen and rise in volume when she reproved us but she didn’t scream or say things that were personal attacks against us. There is a difference between saying sharply and more loudly than a normal speaking tone “Stop that right now!” to a child who is misbehaving; and screaming “I can’t believe you are so stupid!” at the same child. A child knows when an adult has lost control of their emotions and it scares them, because they know that out of control anger could hurt them. Some children, in response to such anger, will fight back in order to defend themselves from what they see as a threat. The few times my father did yell and respond to bad or foolish behaviour with unrestrained anger, he responded more harshly than the offense deserved (this is something that has been since acknowledged and he certainly was not ever abusive). Anger is a valid emotion and has its place, but we also need to remember that “the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). I find if I try to respond to something while I’m in the grasp of absolute anger, it chokes me and I can only yell; but if I stop that anger from rising to the absolute pitch, I can direct it into more constructive channels, and by speaking quietly but forcefully, get my point across much more effectively.
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Funny thing is, I don’t recall my parents ever yelling at us. My dad had the disgusted look down, intimidating to think one has let down one’s dad. On the other hand, certain of my children tell me I am always screaming at them if my voice becomes just a tad firmer. I know how to scream but don’t recall screaming at a child.
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I think quiet authority is the best, but it must be backed up by action, ASAP. That is often why parents yell; they let things go and children become deaf to their requests.
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I don’t remember being yelled at, either. But my dad did give me a couple spankings, but only a couple. I don’t really remember them, I just remember the build-up (“Wait ’til your father gets home”) so they must not have been all that horrible.
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