I feel like a broken record coming here asking for prayers for BG and me, but here I am again on the verge of tears.
I have an open house today and the other agent is having to bring her young daughter who has autism. I made arrangements to take BG with me and was going to go shopping afterwards. I am in the position of doing back flips to get her to spend any time with me. Her living with her father is hard on me. I feel like I am missing a piece of me.
She has faught me about getting up so I asked what she was going to do if she didn’t go with me. She wants to “go home” so I called her dad and told him. He said he would come get her. I told him I had wanted to spend time with her this weekend and that his sister had told me last week that BG and I needed to go back to therapy. I asked him what was going on. He told me she hates my husband. What am I supposed to do?
Kim – Is there such a thing as “family therapy”, where you, BG, & Mr. P could all go to work out the problems? Or is there someone who could act as mediator between BG & Mr. P to work things out? You shouldn’t have to choose between your husband & your daughter. It seems like, intentionally or not, BG is making you choose.
Kim, I know it’s a tough situation. If you have to make a choice, it’s your husband. You need him and he needs you.
I don’t know about the situation, but it’s likely that she wouldn’t like anyone you brought home. It’s possible that, to her, he’s an intruder. You can’t do anything about that. I doubt if “family counseling” can either. Don’t blame “Mr. P” he may be the fault, but he can’t do anything about it. I would hate to be in his situation, but I wouldn’t do anything about it. He has children to deal with too. He has chosen you.
In five or six years, she will, he be out and gone. Then, you won’t have anyone. She will be out living her life apart from you. That is as it should be.
You and Chloe are in my prayers. But my prayer for Chloe is the same as it was for my granddaughters, that God would protect them from making a mistake that can’t be corrected.
Kim, she hates your husband because he sees right through her, attempted to help her early on by giving her boundaries, and then backed off because he did not want to oppose you. She is using him to get you. Let it go. Offer her time with you on your terms, not hers. She will take it or not. Probably not much right now. You are not missing a piece of you, she is trying to control you and that is not healthy for her or for you. If you can find a good family counselor, you all would benefit from it. If not, listen to P, he has some really good ideas. Now I will extract my nose from your business and leave you to do what you think best. But I will continue to pray for all of you.
Kim I will be remembering you, BG and Mr. P in my prayers…I was thinking much along the lines what Mumsee posted….manipulation of emotions seems to be a handy weapon for some…..Paul and I were just discussing that very thing this morning…we’ve experienced it with one of ours…it didn’t work for her…we stood united, drew closer and in the end…now that she is nearing 30, has a family of her own…her eyes have been opened….I’m trusting BG’s eyes will be opened as she matures…stand close to your husband…I’m thankful to our Lord for bringing him into your life…and one day…BG will be as well….counting on it!
Please pray for my brother’s wife, T. She shared with me a number of years ago about how she grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I just now got an email from her where she spilled her guts about something that happened with her parents a couple months ago (when her dad nearly died). I can’t go into any more of it, but she’s in a lot of turmoil over the continuing dysfunction and how it will play out in the future (she has not told her children about any of the drama, but she’s afraid that the secrets will come out when the day comes that her dad does pass).
Prayers for wisdom for me to know how best to respond; for my brother, as her husband; for her parents, who are lost; and especially for T’s peace of mind. Thank you.
6Arrows, how timely that you posted that.
Mumsee, I wouldn’t want you to butt out.
Along the lines of 6Arrows’ sister in law keeping the disfunctional family secrets. Today BG did decide to go with me. On the way down to the beach we had some conversation. I told her that her Aunt R had told me that we had more problems to deal with. She doesn’t want to go to councellng again. We stopped and got her a biscuit for breakfast. In the drive through was a girl and her boyfriend that go to school with BG–they also have a baby a few months old!
I have hidden a lot of my growing up past and a lot of family history about my mother from BG. I figured it was in the past and I woudn’t let it damage the present, but in a way it has, because she doesn’t understand why I react the way I do. I told her the good, the bad, and the ugly about my mother including just who the family member was who molested me as a child.
I told her quite a bit that I never want to soil her with, but I have realized that by keeping the secrets and not telling her she really doesn’t know nor understand. From the time I was 18 until my mother died almost 5 years ago I saw her once. I attended her funeral only because I did not want to one day regret not going.
I don’t know what the result is. We had a good conversation on the way to the beach but she was quiet and sulked on the way home and her dad just came and got her. Whatever. I am worn out and just mentally exhausted. I wanted her so much and now I see my history with my mother repeating itself.
No, Kim, I can’t agree that history is repeating. You are spending the time together and talking. Give it time.
There is a lot of wisdom here today, especially Chas and Mumsee. You are seeking wise counsel.
Kim – I agree with Jo. History is not repeating itself, it only looks like it in your eyes right now. You are NOT your mother & Chloe is not you.
I’m so glad Chloe went with you today, & I think it was good that you shared the truth with her. It may or may not seem to make a difference now, but I think it definitely will make a positive difference in the long run.
kim, it is tough raising adults. She heard, what she does with it remains to be seen. She may not get it processed until she is older, but she heard. You are not your mom and she is not you. You are both impacted by that relationship, but it does not define either one. Praying for you.
Kim, this is nowhere near the relationship you had with your mom. You’re both on new ground; it’s tricky to welcome someone new into the family, esp. if she still harbored dreams that you and her dad would get back together. She needs to see that you and he love each other and are committed to each other, and eventually she’ll find some security in that. But it’s hard. I’ve been on the other side of that one a bit, as the “new” one. It took a while for the girls. Sometimes it hurt me a bit, sometimes it felt awkward for everyone. I just had to keep reminding myself (1) it’s nothing personal; (2) it’s temporary and it will get better (and it has); (3) I’m the adult here, and it’s harder for the kids than it is for me, so just go ahead and be the mom and eventually they’ll appreciate the stability of having someone they can trust.
Yesterday, for the first time, I ended up being the one who had to drive DD#1 back to college; I’ve gone along on some trips, but have never driven it myself. In fact, one time I was uninvited; the kid wanted just her dad, not me, and told him so. That was a little hard for me, but I blinked back tears and chose not to take it personally. She’d just had a fellow student die, and she just felt more comfortable with just her dad when she was feeling a little “raw.” Well, yesterday I drove her back, and she and I talked the entire way, and parted affectionately.
The first year we put up the tree was very awkward. They barely knew me; they were used to doing it themselves. So I stayed in the background and put up just a few of my own ornaments, a few favorites. I figured that some year those ornaments will be old, familiar ones to them, but for the first year don’t rock the boat. Last year I didn’t want to participate; I figured they didn’t care one way or the other whether I helped, and I was having a quiet pity party about that in the other room. My husband actually came to get me and tell me they needed me to help, so I went and participated a little more. (And last year we got a family photo in front of the tree, and the younger daughter kept looking at what we had so far and suggesting a different rearrangement.) This year it finally felt comfortable to help with the tree. I’m family now, family to them and not just their dad’s wife.
It takes time, and in the meantime it’s hard for everyone involved. But she’ll go back from “hating” him to “loving” him, and in the meantime she needs his stable influence in her life even when she doesn’t feel like she does.
Wandering Views 
I feel like a broken record coming here asking for prayers for BG and me, but here I am again on the verge of tears.
I have an open house today and the other agent is having to bring her young daughter who has autism. I made arrangements to take BG with me and was going to go shopping afterwards. I am in the position of doing back flips to get her to spend any time with me. Her living with her father is hard on me. I feel like I am missing a piece of me.
She has faught me about getting up so I asked what she was going to do if she didn’t go with me. She wants to “go home” so I called her dad and told him. He said he would come get her. I told him I had wanted to spend time with her this weekend and that his sister had told me last week that BG and I needed to go back to therapy. I asked him what was going on. He told me she hates my husband. What am I supposed to do?
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Kim – Is there such a thing as “family therapy”, where you, BG, & Mr. P could all go to work out the problems? Or is there someone who could act as mediator between BG & Mr. P to work things out? You shouldn’t have to choose between your husband & your daughter. It seems like, intentionally or not, BG is making you choose.
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For my own daughters, I ask that God would “heal” them of their spiritual blindness.
The little story I’m about to share on the daily thread may seem inconsequential, but I think it is somewhat symptomatic of spiritual blindness.
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Kim, I know it’s a tough situation. If you have to make a choice, it’s your husband. You need him and he needs you.
I don’t know about the situation, but it’s likely that she wouldn’t like anyone you brought home. It’s possible that, to her, he’s an intruder. You can’t do anything about that. I doubt if “family counseling” can either. Don’t blame “Mr. P” he may be the fault, but he can’t do anything about it. I would hate to be in his situation, but I wouldn’t do anything about it. He has children to deal with too. He has chosen you.
In five or six years, she will, he be out and gone. Then, you won’t have anyone. She will be out living her life apart from you. That is as it should be.
You and Chloe are in my prayers. But my prayer for Chloe is the same as it was for my granddaughters, that God would protect them from making a mistake that can’t be corrected.
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Kim, she hates your husband because he sees right through her, attempted to help her early on by giving her boundaries, and then backed off because he did not want to oppose you. She is using him to get you. Let it go. Offer her time with you on your terms, not hers. She will take it or not. Probably not much right now. You are not missing a piece of you, she is trying to control you and that is not healthy for her or for you. If you can find a good family counselor, you all would benefit from it. If not, listen to P, he has some really good ideas. Now I will extract my nose from your business and leave you to do what you think best. But I will continue to pray for all of you.
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No advice, but prayers, Kim.
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Kim I will be remembering you, BG and Mr. P in my prayers…I was thinking much along the lines what Mumsee posted….manipulation of emotions seems to be a handy weapon for some…..Paul and I were just discussing that very thing this morning…we’ve experienced it with one of ours…it didn’t work for her…we stood united, drew closer and in the end…now that she is nearing 30, has a family of her own…her eyes have been opened….I’m trusting BG’s eyes will be opened as she matures…stand close to your husband…I’m thankful to our Lord for bringing him into your life…and one day…BG will be as well….counting on it!
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Please pray for my brother’s wife, T. She shared with me a number of years ago about how she grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I just now got an email from her where she spilled her guts about something that happened with her parents a couple months ago (when her dad nearly died). I can’t go into any more of it, but she’s in a lot of turmoil over the continuing dysfunction and how it will play out in the future (she has not told her children about any of the drama, but she’s afraid that the secrets will come out when the day comes that her dad does pass).
Prayers for wisdom for me to know how best to respond; for my brother, as her husband; for her parents, who are lost; and especially for T’s peace of mind. Thank you.
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6Arrows, how timely that you posted that.
Mumsee, I wouldn’t want you to butt out.
Along the lines of 6Arrows’ sister in law keeping the disfunctional family secrets. Today BG did decide to go with me. On the way down to the beach we had some conversation. I told her that her Aunt R had told me that we had more problems to deal with. She doesn’t want to go to councellng again. We stopped and got her a biscuit for breakfast. In the drive through was a girl and her boyfriend that go to school with BG–they also have a baby a few months old!
I have hidden a lot of my growing up past and a lot of family history about my mother from BG. I figured it was in the past and I woudn’t let it damage the present, but in a way it has, because she doesn’t understand why I react the way I do. I told her the good, the bad, and the ugly about my mother including just who the family member was who molested me as a child.
I told her quite a bit that I never want to soil her with, but I have realized that by keeping the secrets and not telling her she really doesn’t know nor understand. From the time I was 18 until my mother died almost 5 years ago I saw her once. I attended her funeral only because I did not want to one day regret not going.
I don’t know what the result is. We had a good conversation on the way to the beach but she was quiet and sulked on the way home and her dad just came and got her. Whatever. I am worn out and just mentally exhausted. I wanted her so much and now I see my history with my mother repeating itself.
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No, Kim, I can’t agree that history is repeating. You are spending the time together and talking. Give it time.
There is a lot of wisdom here today, especially Chas and Mumsee. You are seeking wise counsel.
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Kim – I agree with Jo. History is not repeating itself, it only looks like it in your eyes right now. You are NOT your mother & Chloe is not you.
I’m so glad Chloe went with you today, & I think it was good that you shared the truth with her. It may or may not seem to make a difference now, but I think it definitely will make a positive difference in the long run.
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kim, it is tough raising adults. She heard, what she does with it remains to be seen. She may not get it processed until she is older, but she heard. You are not your mom and she is not you. You are both impacted by that relationship, but it does not define either one. Praying for you.
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Amen.
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Kim, this is nowhere near the relationship you had with your mom. You’re both on new ground; it’s tricky to welcome someone new into the family, esp. if she still harbored dreams that you and her dad would get back together. She needs to see that you and he love each other and are committed to each other, and eventually she’ll find some security in that. But it’s hard. I’ve been on the other side of that one a bit, as the “new” one. It took a while for the girls. Sometimes it hurt me a bit, sometimes it felt awkward for everyone. I just had to keep reminding myself (1) it’s nothing personal; (2) it’s temporary and it will get better (and it has); (3) I’m the adult here, and it’s harder for the kids than it is for me, so just go ahead and be the mom and eventually they’ll appreciate the stability of having someone they can trust.
Yesterday, for the first time, I ended up being the one who had to drive DD#1 back to college; I’ve gone along on some trips, but have never driven it myself. In fact, one time I was uninvited; the kid wanted just her dad, not me, and told him so. That was a little hard for me, but I blinked back tears and chose not to take it personally. She’d just had a fellow student die, and she just felt more comfortable with just her dad when she was feeling a little “raw.” Well, yesterday I drove her back, and she and I talked the entire way, and parted affectionately.
The first year we put up the tree was very awkward. They barely knew me; they were used to doing it themselves. So I stayed in the background and put up just a few of my own ornaments, a few favorites. I figured that some year those ornaments will be old, familiar ones to them, but for the first year don’t rock the boat. Last year I didn’t want to participate; I figured they didn’t care one way or the other whether I helped, and I was having a quiet pity party about that in the other room. My husband actually came to get me and tell me they needed me to help, so I went and participated a little more. (And last year we got a family photo in front of the tree, and the younger daughter kept looking at what we had so far and suggesting a different rearrangement.) This year it finally felt comfortable to help with the tree. I’m family now, family to them and not just their dad’s wife.
It takes time, and in the meantime it’s hard for everyone involved. But she’ll go back from “hating” him to “loving” him, and in the meantime she needs his stable influence in her life even when she doesn’t feel like she does.
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Whoops, I guess this is an old thread. Oh well.
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