This post will be long, rambling at times, because I don’t always communicate as well as I’d like. Plus, I’m  a bit of an amateur, so I tried to post it short and direct you to a page with it in it’s entirety. I’ve failed miserably 4 times to do that already. I will figure it out and edit it to a more user friendly version that doesn’t take up so much space on the main page as soon as I can. I thought about closing comments as well. But I decided it’s some things that need saying publicly for all to see, and that your comments on it are necessary as well. I want to hear your thoughts on what I have to say. Constructive criticism is required for me if I’m gonna do this the right way. I need to do this the right way. So here goes.

I am the real Aj. That’s been my moniker for over a decade. Most of you already know me. And yet you don’t really know me at all. Being the real Aj has been a part of my life for a long time, but it’s only a small part of who I really am. Being a semi anonymous poster has a certain appeal, but as with many things in life there is a darker side to that, and if you’re not careful you can let that part run amok. I’ve done that. I’ve thrown bombs with the best of ’em, I’ve given as good as I’ve gotten, and I’ve held my own in the often not very nice world of blogging. But that can get tiring, and it’s often a fruitless adventure. You don’t change minds, you don’t win people over, and this is the part that shames me the most, you don’t reflect Christ to people who need it. So what is the point? There is none that I can see. I don’t want that to be all this is, I want it to be more. In order to do that, and after much additional prayer, self reflection, and confession in the last week or so, sadly way more than usual, I have some ideas how. It’s not sad because it’s more, it’s sad because it’s a failure on my part that I don’t do those things more. Maybe that’s what I need most, more of those things.  I want to take a stab at it again. In order to best accomplish this I feel I have to set some things straight. Please indulge me.

First off, my name is Allen Jackson. I tell you that in order to accept responsibility for myself and this blog, whatever it becomes. Things have been done a bit hastily here, do to necessity. I felt the need to act quickly and because of that things are a little unorganized. I’m working to fix that. I tell you that because in the coming days I want to do some things and introduce you to some people. These are people who really know me, not some anonymous character I constructed. These are people who are important to me, people who enrich my life, people I am blessed to have come across. Many of you here are people I feel that way about. I think you are a unique bunch with amazing stories to tell. I value your opinion, your friendship, and the things you’ve shared and taught me. I want to shine my light, I’m tired of hiding it behind safe constructs that allow irresponsibility and meanness on my part because I’m not really accountable to anyone. I want to be more responsible. I have a better understanding of the requirements to put together someplace with a purpose, somewhere with meaning. I also have a newfound respect for those who step out and do this publicly, as opposed to just an anonymous user with no responsibility, and no consequences for your words.

In order to do that, I’ve set some limits on myself. The first is the topic of homosexuality. I don’t often involve myself with these posts because in my opinion it’s fruitless. I am a Bible believing Christian, my views on the subject are based upon those convictions. You know what it is. But I also know many believers who have family and close friends who are gay. I don’t want to cause hurt to those people and when I discuss the subject I do because I’m not very nice. I’ve caused enough harm, hurt people who disagreed intentionally, and worst of all, reflected poorly on what people think about us Christians. I am not a light on the subject. One of my biggest failings as a Christian is being unable to implement the concept of love the sinner, hate the sin. For personal reasons some of you are aware of, I’m unable to properly separate the sin from the sinner. Because of this I chose to not discuss it for the most part. There will be news stories and stuff that are relevant, after all, the culture war continues whether I’m present or not, but it will not be a focus of mine. I may post stories on the topic because it can’t be ignored, as I said the culture war rages on. But I will try to keep it free of my own opinion on the subject. I’m unqualified to fight that fight, not to mention unwilling. I cannot do it lovingly, so I chose not to do it. That doesn’t mean you aren’t free to discuss it, and link to stories about it. You are. I want free roaming conversation, not steroid injected topics whose sole purpose is to produce web hits. Too often websites use it as bait. I’m not willing to be the cause of what usually follows, which is hurt feelings and hardened hearts. It’s not worth it in my mind, so I decline. I’m only speaking for me. I won’t censor anyone because of my own shortcomings and personal feelings on the subject. Just be respectful, kind whenever possible, and no cussing. Plenty of people will disagree on many topics, but we must remain respectful and allow differing views to speak their minds.

Now having said that, I must address the unbelievers for a moment. We will not usually agree. But we will be respectful and allow others to express their views as I will allow you yours. I don’t want to be preaching to just the choir, nor do I want an echo chamber. However, there are limits to this. I will not tolerate you mocking my Lord. You may do that privately or at your own site, but it’s not gonna happen here. Snark is fine, I can live with that. Disagreement is fine. But I will not hesitate to ban you if I have to warn you about that more than once. I want you to see that we Christians are not some caricature that’s constructed by others who disagree. Sadly, we sometimes help to draw that caricature thru our actions and words, and in a negative way. I’d like to offer you more than that. I want to show you what good Christian folk are really like which far too often, isn’t the way I act. That’s my personal failing. I want to change that, and be a better reflection of Christ to you. I will not always succeed, I am after all a failed human being who falls into the same traps and pitfalls as the rest of you. I’m a sinner too, that is a fact. The failings are mine, not Christ’s. But I will try to be better. Thank you, and I hope we can talk.

I’ve been called a member of the “Extremist, right wing, Republican, conservative, Christian Taliban”. I used to wear that as a badge of honor. To a point, I still do. I think it’s a gross distortion of what I really am, but I have at times been closer to that description, and not the description of what a Christian really is and should be. I want to do better. I was the worst of the worst. Drug user, drunk, womanizer, user, abuser, and all around loser. I have no problem admitting that, because I have moved beyond that to something better. I could not have done that without people showing me personally the love of Christ. I couldn’t do it without someone caring enough to look past what I was to what I could become. I couldn’t have done that without faith in Christ. I couldn’t have done that without the Christians in my life helping me along in a process that’s taken nearly 30 years and countless heart breaks for them, inflicted by me. Yet they saw something I didn’t see myself, and even now they continue to help me on the path. I’m grateful for that. What I need to do more of is to show people an example, not just tell them about one. That is what has had the greatest impact on me, that is what I’d like to impact others with, showing them who and what Christians really are, and by doing so point the way to Him. We are so much more than what we are portrayed as. I want to show that thru examples of some of the finest in the Lord’s ranks of servants.  As you will see in the coming weeks, we are an amazing and diverse group of believers from varying backgrounds. I want to use that to impact others. I will ask some of you to help with this, if you feel led to, and have the time. I’m very excited about it all.

Confession. They say it’s good for the soul. After alot of praying and confessing to God, I must now get to the really unpleasant part. The part that’s the hardest, at least for me. The part where I admit my many flaws, and admit that I was wrong. Two people especially come to mind here. First off, Arcadia. I very seldom showed you kindness. For that, I apologize. If you come around, I’ll try to be better. I just felt I should tell you that. I treated you as a lost cause, and that’s not a judgement I can, or should make. I ask your forgiveness. I am sorry.

The second, is Mac. I always enjoyed reading what you had to say, and yet last week I treated you most unfairly. We have so much in common, and yet I focused on one of the few differences, a choice of candidates. I was snarky. I didn’t seriously consider what you were saying. I hid behind the anonymous feature, and I was a jerk. I ask you to forgive me, and I will try to do better. I am sorry. I wasn’t a very good example, and that needs to change. I don’t want our last interaction to be our last. I don’t want to leave it at that. If this is the last time we talk, I want to say I’m sorry. I hope you make your way here, and that you will forgive my stupidity.

Anyone who may have the contact info for these two, please forward this to them. I feel a need to tell them that. I think it’s required of me. If there’s anyone else out their who thinks maybe I wronged them, was unkind to them, or that I owe them an apology for something I’ve forgotten about, don’t hesitate to contact me and allow me the opportunity to make it right. I want something worthwhile here, that’s why I felt a need to share this. I’ve been praying for years about what it is the Lord wants me doing. An accident took what I’ve always done away from me. Even if I can’t work like that anymore, I still need some type of productive work to keep me busy. I think, and hope, maybe this is part of that. I want to do it the right and responsible way.

Lastly, I must say thank you to all of you, for coming along with me on this journey. You people are important to me, and I’m happy we could continue our conversation. My life would be emptier and less bright without all of you in it.

OK, lastly, for real this time. 🙂 I must say thank you to the most important person in my earthly life. My wife Cheryl. You know me better than anyone, and yet still you love me. For the life of me, I’ve never really understood that. You deserve so much better. I consider you the greatest earthly blessing God has ever bestowed upon me. I’m lousy at saying what I feel, you know that, so I thought I would write it instead. And I wanted to say it publicly so everyone would know how I feel about you. At some of the worst points in my life, you have carried me. When I was broken physically, you carried me. When I’ve been broken emotionally, you carried me. When circumstances removed my ability to make a living, you carried me. I’ve been such a heavy burden, and yet, you still carried me. You didn’t complain, you didn’t hold it against me, you’ve gone far above what anyone could or should expect, and for that I am so very thankful. You encouraged me when I needed it, loved me when I didn’t deserve it, and have always stood faithfully by my side. Even this blog, it’s yours too, as is everything I have or ever will. You encouraged it, told me to do it for awhile now, and helped me get this launched. Who am I that God would bestow such treasure unto me? I’m not worthy of such a blessing, but I am so very grateful that I matter so much to Him. Thank you my love.

Thank you all as well.

Most sincerely,

Allen Jackson