I am so sorry. My experience with women who have lost babies is that they always “know” and remember. “This would have been her birthday. She would be ___ years old.” I don’t know what you say. Medical people say it is for the best; that there was something wrong with the baby and this is nature’s way. It doesn’t help to hear those words. It was your baby and now you will never know.
Several years ago you all prayed for A who went through delivery of her 6 month baby, who died. I bought her a Christmas ornament with the baby’s name and date of birth on it. She was very appreciative that someone acknowledged the fact the baby existed. Perhaps something like that would bring some amount of comfort to your daughter in law?
I am so sorry about the loss of your granddaughter, Michelle.
For the Christmas after my first miscarriage, my husband bought me a thoughtful gift that really touched my heart. It was a small framed picture of Isaiah 26:3, with pretty flowers in an arc over the text. The passage had been the main one I was meditating on before my ultrasound, when we weren’t sure yet if anything had happened to the baby.
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.
Perhaps some sort of gift including a Bible verse that is meaningful to your son and daughter-in-law in this context?
I might also mention that when I had my first miscarriage, my oldest daughter, then nine years old, requested that we show her the baby after I delivered. She grieved the baby’s loss more than any of the other children had, but seeing the baby, even though none of us really could see him/her in the darkened amniotic sac, helped her immensely in coping with her young sibling’s death. We could feel where the baby was in the sac, and that was a comfort to her.
If any of your grandchildren have a request like that — to see the baby — that may be a good thing to allow them that experience. It can be hard, though, waiting for the baby to come. (I didn’t deliver until about 1 1/2 weeks after I knew the baby had died, which was 3 weeks after his/her actual death. With my second miscarried baby, I think it was more like 2 weeks, though I don’t know for sure, as the miscarriage was quite early, before I had sought any prenatal care.)
And of course your daughter-in-law was farther along, which is different than miscarriages in the second month, as mine were, so none of that I wrote above may apply as far as timing.
You and your family are in my prayers. May the Lord bring you all comfort as you grieve this precious baby.
I was speaking with my dad about the new baby daughter is carrying and told him about the earlier miscarriage. I then asked him if my mom had two, as I remembered hearing long ago, one after my sister and one after me. It was clear, even in his mid eighties, that those babies had been loved and missed by that old codgy non believer. Life is precious.
Thank you. Good insight, Six, for my daughter-in-law who is here taking a shower since their hot water heater died and their two year old threw up on her.
Girls took the news okay, though the four year old cried a little (she’s the one who has been praying for the baby daily). When they told her the baby was in heaven, she said, “then she’s with Koda!”–the cat who died last year.
Reminded me of Oswald Chambers’ four year old who when told by Biddy that her father had died and was heaven with Jesus, said. “That’s good isn’t it? Then why are you crying?”
Out of the mouth of babes . . . .
A male family member who lost an 18-weeker wrote a poignant note that touched me deeply and which I passed along to my son.
I don’t know why these things happen, but we worship a God who knows far more than I do–and I am thankful.
Oh, how poignant, the four-year-old praying for the baby daily.
We found it very healing as a family to name our miscarried babies. We would speak of them, using their names, and that helped in the grieving process. My 4th Arrow was only 1 1/2 years old when I lost the first baby, so she doesn’t remember that, but she was almost five when we lost the second baby, and that affected her more, though I don’t remember if she ever cried. But she would say sometimes, “I miss A and S,” even though she was too young to remember losing A. We had spoken of A occasionally over the years (and A and S are both buried near the edge of our woods with a couple of grave markers as a visual reminder), so I think that affirmed to the children their deceased siblings’ humanity and their being a part of our family, though only for a very short time.
And the children know A and S are in heaven, loved by Jesus, as are they themselves.
My husband conducted graveside services for the babies, too, which still brings me to tears recalling them, but they are a blessed part of the memories I carry from those times (back in 2002 and 2006).
If it is helpful to you, these are the verses my husband read at the burial services:
For A, in 2002:
Psalm 139:13-16
John 14:1-3
Romans 8:28
Lamentations 3:22-26 and 31-32
Jeremiah 31:13b
For S in 2006:
Job 5:7-11
Psalm 139:13-16 (repeated from 2002)
Revelation 21:1-4
John 14:1-3 (also repeated from 2002)
I wrote the dates of the burial services and the Bible references on a salmon-colored index card, and have kept it tucked in the zippered pocket of my Bible cover ever since. I pull it out of the cover occasionally and reread the passages. Or I’ll sometimes sit in the woods next to the babies’ gravestones and pray with thanksgiving for A’s and S’s salvation. I pray then for my children who are still living here on earth, with thanksgiving for the privilege to raise them, and that they would walk with the Lord and be home with Jesus some day, too.
There is so much for which to be thankful — well, we can give thanks in everything, as you know, trusting in God’s sovereignty and knowing He knows us (and our babies) perfectly, and loves us deeply and tenderly.
I found out a couple of days ago that my nephew whose wife was pregnant knew the baby would not live, but thought they’d at least have a few hours with him. But then they found out he was no longer alive. Full-term, their first baby. My brother who is the grandfather isn’t good at all at telling broader family their family news, so I heard from my sister. Depending on how long the birth took (I knew that she was in labor, and that was it), he may have been born on his grandmother’s birthday. I knew of the pregnancy, but not of the assessment that he wouldn’t survive long after birth, or that he had died in utero. That young family could really use prayer, too. I have three nephews (brothers) who got married within a few months of each other two years ago, and this was one of the couples, so I can imagine it is sobering to all of those, and also to the nephew who was already married with a child when his brothers all married.
On a happier note, my brief trip to Chicago was wonderful, and I had several hours to visit with the ladies I most wanted to see. A man from my old church came by and cooked, and refused help from any of us, telling us just to visit. Both of these ladies have faced a lot of suffering in the past few years, and it was a blessing to be able to hug them, pray with them, talk the night away with them. (Talked till nearly 11:00 Chicago time with two ladies in their sixties. That was basically a whole work shift, since I got there something like 1:00 and the third lady joined us an hour or two later.) It was also a blessing to talk with the women with whom I rode across to Chicago and back home.
A truly distinctive time of sadness over miscarriage and also babies that live only a short time after birth as did our pastor’s granddaughter. I think maybe there is more physical anguish with that involving pregnancy than any other type loss. And sadness multiplied by the children who had great expectation. So sorry, Michelle, that your family is going through this. Prayers that grief will not overwhelm and that love and knowledge of the goodness of God will bring comfort and piece. Story of mother and child reunion to be continued in heaven. ♡
Wandering Views 
The five Adorables will be told today the baby they were so excited about has died. That’s making me cry the most. She was 16 weeks or so in utero.
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weeping with you
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I am so sorry. My experience with women who have lost babies is that they always “know” and remember. “This would have been her birthday. She would be ___ years old.” I don’t know what you say. Medical people say it is for the best; that there was something wrong with the baby and this is nature’s way. It doesn’t help to hear those words. It was your baby and now you will never know.
Several years ago you all prayed for A who went through delivery of her 6 month baby, who died. I bought her a Christmas ornament with the baby’s name and date of birth on it. She was very appreciative that someone acknowledged the fact the baby existed. Perhaps something like that would bring some amount of comfort to your daughter in law?
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So sorry to hear your sad news, Michelle. Such things put life in perspective. Prayers for all.
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I am so sorry about the loss of your granddaughter, Michelle.
For the Christmas after my first miscarriage, my husband bought me a thoughtful gift that really touched my heart. It was a small framed picture of Isaiah 26:3, with pretty flowers in an arc over the text. The passage had been the main one I was meditating on before my ultrasound, when we weren’t sure yet if anything had happened to the baby.
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.
Perhaps some sort of gift including a Bible verse that is meaningful to your son and daughter-in-law in this context?
I might also mention that when I had my first miscarriage, my oldest daughter, then nine years old, requested that we show her the baby after I delivered. She grieved the baby’s loss more than any of the other children had, but seeing the baby, even though none of us really could see him/her in the darkened amniotic sac, helped her immensely in coping with her young sibling’s death. We could feel where the baby was in the sac, and that was a comfort to her.
If any of your grandchildren have a request like that — to see the baby — that may be a good thing to allow them that experience. It can be hard, though, waiting for the baby to come. (I didn’t deliver until about 1 1/2 weeks after I knew the baby had died, which was 3 weeks after his/her actual death. With my second miscarried baby, I think it was more like 2 weeks, though I don’t know for sure, as the miscarriage was quite early, before I had sought any prenatal care.)
And of course your daughter-in-law was farther along, which is different than miscarriages in the second month, as mine were, so none of that I wrote above may apply as far as timing.
You and your family are in my prayers. May the Lord bring you all comfort as you grieve this precious baby.
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I was speaking with my dad about the new baby daughter is carrying and told him about the earlier miscarriage. I then asked him if my mom had two, as I remembered hearing long ago, one after my sister and one after me. It was clear, even in his mid eighties, that those babies had been loved and missed by that old codgy non believer. Life is precious.
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Thank you. Good insight, Six, for my daughter-in-law who is here taking a shower since their hot water heater died and their two year old threw up on her.
Girls took the news okay, though the four year old cried a little (she’s the one who has been praying for the baby daily). When they told her the baby was in heaven, she said, “then she’s with Koda!”–the cat who died last year.
Reminded me of Oswald Chambers’ four year old who when told by Biddy that her father had died and was heaven with Jesus, said. “That’s good isn’t it? Then why are you crying?”
Out of the mouth of babes . . . .
A male family member who lost an 18-weeker wrote a poignant note that touched me deeply and which I passed along to my son.
I don’t know why these things happen, but we worship a God who knows far more than I do–and I am thankful.
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Oh, how poignant, the four-year-old praying for the baby daily.
We found it very healing as a family to name our miscarried babies. We would speak of them, using their names, and that helped in the grieving process. My 4th Arrow was only 1 1/2 years old when I lost the first baby, so she doesn’t remember that, but she was almost five when we lost the second baby, and that affected her more, though I don’t remember if she ever cried. But she would say sometimes, “I miss A and S,” even though she was too young to remember losing A. We had spoken of A occasionally over the years (and A and S are both buried near the edge of our woods with a couple of grave markers as a visual reminder), so I think that affirmed to the children their deceased siblings’ humanity and their being a part of our family, though only for a very short time.
And the children know A and S are in heaven, loved by Jesus, as are they themselves.
My husband conducted graveside services for the babies, too, which still brings me to tears recalling them, but they are a blessed part of the memories I carry from those times (back in 2002 and 2006).
If it is helpful to you, these are the verses my husband read at the burial services:
For A, in 2002:
Psalm 139:13-16
John 14:1-3
Romans 8:28
Lamentations 3:22-26 and 31-32
Jeremiah 31:13b
For S in 2006:
Job 5:7-11
Psalm 139:13-16 (repeated from 2002)
Revelation 21:1-4
John 14:1-3 (also repeated from 2002)
I wrote the dates of the burial services and the Bible references on a salmon-colored index card, and have kept it tucked in the zippered pocket of my Bible cover ever since. I pull it out of the cover occasionally and reread the passages. Or I’ll sometimes sit in the woods next to the babies’ gravestones and pray with thanksgiving for A’s and S’s salvation. I pray then for my children who are still living here on earth, with thanksgiving for the privilege to raise them, and that they would walk with the Lord and be home with Jesus some day, too.
There is so much for which to be thankful — well, we can give thanks in everything, as you know, trusting in God’s sovereignty and knowing He knows us (and our babies) perfectly, and loves us deeply and tenderly.
Praise be to our risen Savior!
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I found out a couple of days ago that my nephew whose wife was pregnant knew the baby would not live, but thought they’d at least have a few hours with him. But then they found out he was no longer alive. Full-term, their first baby. My brother who is the grandfather isn’t good at all at telling broader family their family news, so I heard from my sister. Depending on how long the birth took (I knew that she was in labor, and that was it), he may have been born on his grandmother’s birthday. I knew of the pregnancy, but not of the assessment that he wouldn’t survive long after birth, or that he had died in utero. That young family could really use prayer, too. I have three nephews (brothers) who got married within a few months of each other two years ago, and this was one of the couples, so I can imagine it is sobering to all of those, and also to the nephew who was already married with a child when his brothers all married.
On a happier note, my brief trip to Chicago was wonderful, and I had several hours to visit with the ladies I most wanted to see. A man from my old church came by and cooked, and refused help from any of us, telling us just to visit. Both of these ladies have faced a lot of suffering in the past few years, and it was a blessing to be able to hug them, pray with them, talk the night away with them. (Talked till nearly 11:00 Chicago time with two ladies in their sixties. That was basically a whole work shift, since I got there something like 1:00 and the third lady joined us an hour or two later.) It was also a blessing to talk with the women with whom I rode across to Chicago and back home.
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Adorable 4 year old asked for prayer in her Sunday school class, “for my baby sister who died.”
Teacher could barely get through the prayer.
We’re still sad and coping.
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A truly distinctive time of sadness over miscarriage and also babies that live only a short time after birth as did our pastor’s granddaughter. I think maybe there is more physical anguish with that involving pregnancy than any other type loss. And sadness multiplied by the children who had great expectation. So sorry, Michelle, that your family is going through this. Prayers that grief will not overwhelm and that love and knowledge of the goodness of God will bring comfort and piece. Story of mother and child reunion to be continued in heaven. ♡
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Piece=Peace
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