Good Morning!
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On this day in 1847 William Clayton invented the odometer.
In 1926 the airship Norge became the first vessel to fly over the North Pole.
In 1940 the Nazi conquest of France began with the German army crossing Muese River.
In 1965 West Germany and Israel exchanged letters establishing diplomatic relations.
And in 1978 The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced that they would no longer exclusively name hurricanes after women.
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Quote of the Day
“There was an old man with a beard, who said: ‘It is just as I feared! Two owls and a hen, four larks, and a wren have all built their nests in my beard.”
Edward Lear
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Today is Giovanni Battista Viotti’s birthday.
And on today’s date in 1960 Elvis and Mr. Sinatra appeared together on the same TV special. And of course, YouTube has it. 🙂
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Wandering Views 
Good morning! I see the early birds got here before I did and left their photos to prove it!
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Because of the heat building up in the house during the day, I think I need to do any cooking early in the day. We don’t use an outdoor grill, but it certainly makes sense to use one in summer weather in the south.
My mother use to spend hours canning garden vegetables in the heat of summer without air conditioning. How did we survive?
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You’d think in this heat that Miss Bosley would decide to take off her fur coat and put it in storage, but she just can’t seem to part with it.
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We survived because that was the way it was and we couldn’t do anything about it.
In 1941 we lived on the fourth floor of a three story building in Charleston, SC.
That’s right.
We lived in the attic. The bathroom was in the hall on the third floor.
It was hot.
There was a window on each end and two dormers. That’s all.
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I was just catching up on all the posts about Mother’s Day disappointments. Just to add a belated note, I had an early text from son, “Happy Mother’s Day.” I thought he would at least call. Probably around 11:00 p.m. I sent him a selfie text to remind him that a call WOULD be nice. The next morning there was a voice mail from him saying it was probably too late to talk, but I can call him this week sometime.
I think because my husband never was big on these type events that he never showed son what to do. So I try not to get bent out of shape over it. And, I was busy with my own life in my twenties so I think I realize this is the age of distancing between parents and child and hopefully like it happened in my case, that we will draw closer again as our needs progress to a different level.
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I see in The Times-News that the Google self driving car has gone 1.7 million miles and had only 11 accidents. None the fault of the car.. But it could happen.
So?
QOD
If you’re riding in a self driving car and it has an accident and it’s your car’s fault. Who gets the ticket?
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I guess I’ll step in so Chas and Janice don’t get all the posts today.
As for Southern heat, I don’t know how anyone can stand the high humidity with that heat and no a/c. I’ve been to Puerto Rico, which also has high humidity, but the temperature rarely gets above 90°, and there is usually a sea breeze to keep things feeling cool.
And we are without a computer at home, since the lightning strike Friday. The computer guy thinks he can retrieve our data, but wasn’t sure about whether to repair or replace. I tried using my new Kindle’s WiFi over the weekend, but it wouldn’t stay connected.
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Chas, I’m guessing you’re just being silly, but according to the police who responded to my accident and another who responded to a friend’s, no one gets a ticket unless the officer actually sees it happen. They write a police report (which can clearly identify who’s at fault), but no ticket. It just becomes an issue of insurance, at that point. And presumably, the owner of a self-driving car would need to have it insured.
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Good Morning Everyone. Hope you have a good day.
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Silly!? Who Me?
With a machined driving, we won’t have any more crazy drivers out there. Everyone will obey the speed limit and the right car will proceed at the 4-way stop sign. My GPS knows what the speed limit is on the section of road I’m driving. But it doesn’t know about construction zones.
The geese have arrived. Making a big racket. I’d just as soon they go back. They are obstinate critters.
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Re Mother’s Day (and all such half-holidays): My mom’s birthday was May 1, and she told us not to bother about Mother’s Day, just her birthday, since they were so close. I have no idea how much she “meant it,” but as children we took her at her word. But our churches usually would honor mothers in some way, and if they had any sort of prize for “mother of the most children,” she would generally win it.
When I became an adult, I would send her a card and/or call her, generally both. I don’t think most of my siblings did–but then, my mom was very casual about birthdays and the like with her grown children, calling sometime that week and, if she didn’t reach you the first time, not necessarily calling back.
My sister chose in her family to see Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Valentine’s Day as “Hallmark holiday” that are silly and not worthy of notice. She believes (and I tend to agree with this, though not as strongly as she did) that one’s own wedding anniversary is more important than Valentine’s Day. And I don’t have any problem with parents of young children helping them do something to honor the other parent, but the idea of doing something for one’s spouse for Mother’s or Father’s day has always bewildered me.
It seems to me that such holidays are the choice of the one doing the honoring. Setting expectations of how (or even if) they honor you is potentially setting yourself up for hurt. I rejoiced in the honor of my stepdaughters this weekend because it said they see me as having a maternal role in their lives–and that is very, very sweet. But I don’t think the basket of flowers on the table, or the extremely sweet card, would have been half so special if I had been “expecting” them (if I had been seeing them as some sort of obligation they had toward me).
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What was that fix it yourself plan for cracked screens on Iphones?
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Oh-oh. someone dropped a phone.
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Cheryl, Becky’s husband has a birthday on 25 December.
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Chas, I’ve never known anyone with a 25th December, though I’ve known at least one with a 24th. And two of my sister’s children have half-a-week-from-Christmas birthdays (opposite directions). I always figured my June 27 birthday (almost exactly half a year from Christmas, and in the loveliest month of the year) was a smart way to do it. But my own husband chose a December birthday, so what do I know?
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It amazes me that a man who was a single dad for 18 years bought a present for me on Mother’s Day. I did not have his children. I am very nice to his children and I am Mimi to the grandchildren. I teased him that my gift was from the dogs.
I am sorry Cheryl, but I find the attitude of “Hallmark” and “made-up” Holidays and not celebrating them to be a little superior – like you are above it. It is fun to do things for those you love on those days. It isn’t meant to snub those who don’t have anyone.
I am a very private person when it comes to sex and matters of hygiene. Do you think it was easy for me to tell my boss for months on end, “I have to go to the doctor TODAY”?. I had to go the first day of a cycle so they could regulate the drugs that were pumped into my body via a NEEDLE (of which I am deathly afraid) Do you think it was easy to have vial after vial of blood drawn to make sure hormone levels were at the level that was most conducive to an artificial insemmination? Do you think it didn’t bother me when I failed at something two teenagers could accomplish in the back seat of a car? Do you think I didn’t cry month after month when pregnancy tests came back negative or when I was alone at the doctor’s office and the doctor had to come in and tell me there would be no insemmination that day because all the sperm died? Do you think it doesn’t hurt that that I refer to the act of becoming pregnant as artificial insemmination? Trust me there wasn’t a single, solitary thing about it that was romantic!
I also live with the knowledge that I am at a higher risk for certain types of cancer because of the fertility drugs I pumped into my body. My child hurt me this past weekend. I have always made sure that special things were done for her.
I have to get back to work.
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We were pretty casual about birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc. — they were duly marked with cards and modest gifts, but not typically a big deal made of them. I remember all of us having reservation at the steak house at the beach one year for Mother’s day when my grandmother was out from Iowa which would have been a bigger deal than we normally made of Mother’s Day (and I seem to remember some stress surrounding all of that 🙂 ).
I had my mom over for dinner at my apartment when I was in my 20s for a Mother’s Day once; otherwise we just went out to eat somewhere, but typically we did that on the Friday or Saturday before the holiday to avoid the crowds. We were always practical. 🙂
The big celebrations were saved for Christmas and Thanksgiving. We went all out (relatively speaking) for Christmas especially. That’s probably why I love that holiday so much still, it was always kind of the high point of every year.
I don’t remember my folks doing anything for their anniversary — I’m sure they acknowledged it but, again, very low-key.
I work with someone for whom birthdays are the BIG holidays in their small family — I mean huge, they’re big, big deals. I always smile when she asks me if I’m doing something special (on such-and-such day coming up; I don’t even realize sometimes she’s really asking my what I’m doing on my birthday). I typically go out with friends to mark birthdays, but we don’t do it on the actual “day of” necessarily. But for her and her mom it absolutely must be THE day. I remember one year she was juggling plans and I suggested they just do it on the next or previous day or even week, but “oh no,” we absolutely can’t do that …
Interesting how families develop traditions and priorities that carry over into the next generation so strongly sometimes.
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Good Morning all….I am sitting in the waiting room of Safelite AutoGlass….large crack in the windshield of my car….around here it is expected your windshield will be replaced at least once a year.
Getting ready to visit my Mom tomorrow…hating the thought of flying and praying my ear drum doesn’t rupture…..oh…I am so enjoying the photos of our fine feathered friends….is that a juvenile blue bird?
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Wow, and here we are still talking about Mother’s Day two days later. Who knew? 😉
Memorial Day is coming up. Oh, and the Fourth of July (hooray!) lands on a Friday this year. That means we actually get a 3-day weekend!!
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Where does your mom live nancyjill? Prayers for a smooth flight and visit. Loved the Mother’s Day snow photo on FB 🙂
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On another subject . . about those footballs.
I have a couple questions.
1. If the footballs were underinflated, wasn’t the other team also playing with an underinflated football and wouldn’t that have helped them?
2. If the Patriots won because of those underinflated footballs, shouldn’t the win be taken away from them?
3. Would that give the other team in the SuperBowl (who was it? Gasp–the Seahawks?) the national championships, and the team the Patriots beat in the semi finals their championship?
4. Am I misunderstanding something? The punishment for cheating, to me, doesn’t seem quite a onerous as it might have been. The players are all keeping their rings . . .
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The reality of Mother’s day is that we expect our child/children will at the very least say “thank you” for being my Mom. My Mom expects to be made over, flowers sent, be very pampered….and if that doesn’t happen she will heap guilt and manipulation upon your sorry little head!! I would love to just have a phone call…an “I love you”…or “thank you”….from the heart….I received at least that from all four this year….my son usually never ever says anything….he thanked me on Facebook…hey…I’ll take it!
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Mom lives in Ohio…just outside of Cincinnati….I am flying into Indianapolis…could get no direct flight to Cincinnati at a reasonable hour…I would have to have left DIA at 12:30AM…arriving in Cincinnati around 4:30AM…ummm…no thanks!
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Kim, I’ve never experienced that particular pain, and I can imagine that yes, it would be painful. I have experienced the pain of having no children at all and having my mother-of-four sister complain that she didn’t have enough children (she eventually had five). I have experienced celebrating each pregnancy of hers, traveling for each birth, when I wanted children myself. I have experienced having a sister who was planning to travel to my house to see me . . . but when she found out I was going to have my foster children back when she came, and if she came she could actually get to meet them, changing her travel plans and not coming after all partly because she disapproved of me having foster children. (One brother made a point of coming to meet them on purpose, but yes, my only sister actually turned down a chance to meet them!)
As I said this weekend, in Chicago I served in the church nursery on Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) for several years, because it was too painful to be in the service, even though my pastor went out of his way to acknowledge women like me who loved other people’s children. (I was VERY actively involved with the children of the church.) Several times during those years, not just on Mother’s Day, I would look over at a parent holding a child, and it would be a sweet scene and I would smile. But if I looked for too long, my smile would change to tears I couldn’t stop. I wanted children badly.
I’m not saying “Don’t enjoy the honor you receive on the Hallmark holidays.” I’m saying Don’t set your heart on them. Look–I’ve said on here several times that I don’t understand spouses expecting something from a spouse on Mother’s or Father’s Day. I’ve never said a word about not “accepting” anything given–it’s wonderful that your husband honored you, not the one who bore his children but the one who chose to accept and love them. This Sunday is the first time my husband told me “Happy Mother’s Day.” He waited till the girls said it, and then he said it. The first year we were married, I knew the girls probably wouldn’t get me anything (and I was extremely moved when the shyer one chose to call me from college to wish me “Happy Mother’s Day.”) It occurred to me that my husband might say something like, “I know the girls don’t think of you as ‘mom’ yet. Give them time and I think they will. In the meantime, thank you for choosing to be their mom. You’ve been a good mom to them.” But I didn’t expect him to say something like that, I just thought he might. (He had said such things on other occasions, just not Mother’s Day.) But not setting myself up for expectations meant not setting myself up for disappointment. And that’s my point.
Being a mom means sacrifice. We want our kids to recognize the sacrifice and say “Thank you.” But part of the sacrifice is releasing the expectation that they do so. For me, for three-and-a-half years, part of my own sacrifice has been releasing even any expectation that they see me as a mother figure, let alone that they tell me they do. So with no expectations, I was feel to free the joy of it as their free gift, not as their duty.
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Michelle, I asked your question #1 at the time and was told no, there are lots of different footballs in play. I don’t understand the game, so I don’t know how that works.
As to the others, yes, they should forfeit the championship. That really seems a no-brainer. “We see you cheated on all your tests, but congratulations for making valedictorian! I’m glad it helped you get into a great college!”
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Cheating in sports? gasp! Don’t even get me started on Pete Rose’s lifetime ban from baseball….paleeeeze!!! Gambling was banned to keep the integrity of the “game” intact….oh yeah…there’s a lot of integrity in the game alright…. ( this comment has been brought to you by a long time Reds fan 🙂 )
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BTW, Kim, we do celebrate the “made-up” holidays. It’s my sister who doesn’t. This year, a few days before Valentine’s day, someone said something about the holiday, and my husband said, “That’s right, it is this week.” I could tell he had too much going on to have the energy to make me a card, or go find a gift or something, so I told him, “It comes on a Saturday this year, and that’s not the best day to go out to eat. So how about you take me out for lunch Friday, and you don’t need to do anything else.” He said OK, and that’s what we did. I made him a homemade book and I might have given him some chocolate, but mostly we just went out to eat Friday.
His sister and his mom both got boxes of chocolate from the world-famous chocolate shop in town. I could have been hurt because I didn’t . . . but I told him that taking me out for lunch was “enough,” and I needed to mean it!
I waited more than 40 years for Valentine’s Day. I watched other girls get flowers and chocolate (and diamond rings) for decades before I finally had a guy for Valentine’s Day. (My first-ever Valentine’s Day I was a married woman, since we met in March!) So I think it’s really sweet to have a guy for Valentine’s Day, and I could have said, “Ah honey, that day is so important to me! Make sure you make it special!” But what would I have gained? I already have what I most wanted–the man himself. Same goes for Mother’s Day–I have the kids themselves, and that matters more than whether or not they choose to remember Mother’s Day.
That doesn’t mean it’s wrong to have higher expectations–but the higher the expectations, the greater the hurt when they aren’t met. The lower the expectations, the greater the chance someone can surprise you and bring you joy. That’s my own philosophy on those days.
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OK, I’m declaring all holidays & associated expectations over with until … Memorial Day? 🙂
Meanwhile, LA county’s homeless stats have been released and (no surprise) homelessness is up by about 12% in LA. So it hasn’t been just our imaginations that there are panhandlers and encampments cropping up most everywhere these days …
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weather report today says we are expecting cool, wet weather. I take the credit since I got organized and packed away all my winter clothes! And LA is supposed to have rain too.
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Re: Mother’s Day and birthdays on holidays-
1- I have a cousin born December 25. He hated it that his sisters got separate birthday presents, but he would get one bigger/more expensive one and told it was for both. My oldest granddaughter has a Dec. 23 b.d., and we are making every attempt to keep the days separate. We have a birthday party for her and celebrate Christmas later (another day).
2- A few years after my mom died, someone gave my dad a Mother’s Day present, saying he was both father and mother to us.
Re: Michelle’s query- A guy I carpool with is a high school referee and he says the refs should have noticed the inflated balls, since at least one of them holds the ball momentarily between every play. So, I think the refs at the game should also be punished in some way for not doing their job, or else don’t punish the Patriots.
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I made Holidays and Birthdays special for BG all of her life because they weren’t special when I was growing up. I don’t remember spending a Christmas at home until I was in college. I had one birthday party. In my need to be the perfect wife/mother I went all out. What hurts me the most is that in April of 2013 she moved out of my house in and with her father and now Nana. I have not had her birthday or Mother’s Day with her since. They threw her a big Sweet 16 Party on her birthday and didn’t invite me. I found out about it when her aunt posted the photos on FB FROM the party. After I didn’t spend her birthday with her last year I told her father I WOULD have her on her 18th birthday.
I realize that the expectations are all on me. I realize I am the adult in this situation.
All of that knowledge doesn’t stop the pain. I
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Yeah, Kim, that would hurt not being invited to your daughter’s birthday party! (I too only had one party growing up, my eighth. I asked a friend to throw me one for 30 and she did.) If you and her father were on violent terms with each other, then it would make sense to alternate. But under the circumstances, that was just rude.
BTW, are “special days” special to BG? Maybe she doesn’t really care about them, and doesn’t know they matter to you? (That’s how my sister is. She forgets her own birthday, so it doesn’t bother me that she forgets mine.)
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Michelle,
1. No. Each team has their own balls for their offense.
2. They didn’t win because of underinflated balls. They won because they were the better team. The balls were switched to “legal pressure” balls at halftime. The score was 17-7 in favor of the Pats. When the balls were replaced with the “proper” balls the Pats outscored the Colts 28-0 in the second half. Either way, the colts lost because Luck is all they had, but he couldn’t win against a team as good as the Pats all by himself.
3. No. Again in this game, the Pats won because they were the better team. And the Seahawks have no lame underinflated ball excuse.
4. Of course they kept them, they won fair and square.
This whole thing is a joke. A few pounds of air pressure didn’t effect the game either way. It’s just sour grapes from losing teams looking for an excuse. And I say that as a nuetral observer with no dog in this hunt. I’m a Giants fan. 🙂 You know, the team that can actually beat Tom Brady and the Pats when it matters. 🙂
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And another reason I think this is a joke is because once again, the NFL absolved themselves and the refs from any liability. It was the refs job after checking the balls to keep them on the sidelines until game time. They didn’t do their job. Also, the refs are supposed to check every ball, but even the refs admit that they never do. None of this would have happened if they had done their job. But you’ll see no mention of any of that in the leagues “investigation.”
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Kim, I understand your pain. When I flew home last Christmas I stayed with friends. My children who came to spend Christmas stayed with their dad and I had nowhere to be with them. One of my granddaughters, 4 at the time, asked why I wasn’t at the party, which I didn’t know about. Bless my children, they rented a beach house for two nights for my gift so that we could all be together. But I still had very little time with my family. Praise the Lord, He had others invite me over for meals and Bible study and filled my time with good things. It still hurts.
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jmiller (12:31) woohoo! Times is calling it “Miracle May”
http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-rain-thunderstorms-forecast-20150512-story.html
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Times:
“Rain and isolated thunderstorms are forecast for Los Angeles County through the end of the week, according to the National Weather Service.
“An unseasonably cold storm system originating in the Gulf of Alaska is expected to move into Southern California on Thursday. There will be a potential for brief heavy downpours, lightning, small hail and waterspouts off the coast, the weather service said.
“ ‘It’s not rare, but we certainly don’t get nice, cold storms every May,’ said Kathy Hoxsie, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service in Oxnard. ‘It’s Miracle May.’ …”
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Free book for Kindle at Amazon, (for ladies of the blog) The Keeper by Suzanne Woods Fisher. Posted on Twitter.
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Also… as this shows, the league screwed this up from the get go. Not to mention that they appear to have conspired with another team/teams to try and snare them. And even their sting operation was a flawed process, with the refs once again dropping the ball.
http://nesn.com/2015/05/five-biggest-issues-with-evidence-against-patriots-in-wells-report/
“If the NFL is going to punish Tom Brady severely, then it will be doing so despite flawed data and a lack of concrete evidence the Patriots quarterback was involved in any shenanigans. Any PSI data should likely be thrown out by the league because of the multitude of errors made by the NFL and its officials on Jan. 18, 2015. If the league is going to suspend Brady, then it will be based on text messages exchanged between Patriots low-level staffers and the quarterback’s unwillingness to turn over his private cell phone. Here are the five biggest issues in the Wells Report:”
“PSI wasn’t recorded before the AFC Championship Game
This is the biggest issue with any data trying to prove the Patriots deflated footballs. Referee Walt Anderson, after being told football pressure could be an issue in the AFC Championship Game, didn’t record his pregame measurements. The Wells report bases all data on the Colts’ footballs being 13 PSI before the game and the Patriots’ footballs being 12.5 based on Anderson’s recollection. If the Patriots’ footballs were a tick under 12.5 PSI or if the Colts’ footballs were a tick over 13 PSI, then it throws off all data. Anderson said he didn’t add or release pressure from the Colts’ footballs. One Colts football measured at 12.95 PSI on one gauge, so it seems extremely unlikely that football began at 13 PSI.
Two pressure gauges used were wildly off
Colts footballs were tested after Patriots footballs
Text messages were dated months before AFC Championship Game
Texts never state Tom Brady wanted his footballs under 12.5 PSI”
———————————————–
And one more thing. Much has been made of the fact that Tom Brady refused to give his cellphone to the league so they could search it for “evidence.” People think he should just cave to an illegal search of his private texts/phone messages just because his boss thinks he may have done something wrong. Think about that for a moment. Are they out of their minds? Who would do that? Would you allow your employer access if they thought you were stealing office supplies and that you might have evidence of it on your phone? Of course not! Talk about a warrantless/illegal search, not to mention a clear violation of his right to due processes. I would laugh in your face if you made such a request. If the boss owns the phone and pays for it, they’d have the right, but they don’t and they didn’t. It’s ridiculous.
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NancyJill,
Yes, it is a bluebird. An unusually tall one too. :).
And the 2 underneath are a pair of swallows.
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Since this has turned into a sports thread, how about the Jays using up their challenge last night early in the game and then later challenging again – and the refs honoring it and overturning the call???
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Donna was born a diplomat and true keeper of peace. 🙂
We all have rights and reasons for legitimately hurt feelings. I can understand a lot of what different ones of you are saying because I have been in similar situations to have feelings hurt. The one consolation and factor at work in being neglected on holidays is that I children feel secure in the love we have for them. They do not feel they have to do something to earn our love. It is a bit one-sided, but hopefully it will work out in the long run. In the meantime, it’s one more hurt to carry to God for Him to take off of us. It goes all the way back to the fall and original broken relationships that won’t be perfect until heaven. Trust God with your hurts so you don’t alienate relationships that you value.
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Off subject, but has anyone experienced cantaloupe that tastes of alcohol? I have had one in the past like this and at Publix the guy at the Customer Service desk said he’d had one like that before. There is a little info when I search the internet, but nothing real definite.
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Skipping ahead before I read all the comments to write this:
Cheryl – Lee & I are still Mommy & Daddy to both our grown daughters. They never transitioned to Mom & Dad. I learned that my dad & his sisters still called their mom (who died shortly before I was born) Mommy. I thought that was funny but sweet. Although the girls still call us by Mommy & Daddy, it isn’t because we treat them like children, as we treat each of them as the grown ups they are.
I don’t know that I feel jealous of the McK parents, but rather merely hurt that Chrissy feels so close to them, that she plainly prefers their family to our family. There was almost a conflict of interest for Chrissy on the Sunday we celebrated Lee’s 60th birthday, because the McKs were thinking of belatedly celebrating the McK father’s birthday on that day. They ended up changing their plans, but the fact that Chrissy would have found it a conflict of interest bothered me. This was her own father’s 60th birthday (not just any old birthday), & I felt the choice should have been clear. (I never mentioned her almost-conflict to Lee.)
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Have I mentioned that Chrissy is not the only young woman friend living with the McKs? Another of Chrissy & A’s friends lives with them. So there are four young women, ranging in age from 21 to 27 sharing a bedroom. Sometimes I think they are in a fantasy world of one long slumber party. The oldest of them, YF, isn’t even looking for a job, five years after graduating college. The fact that her parents, who often complain about how poor they are, haven’t pushed her to get some kind of job to help out, makes me wonder. Remember, I’ve said before that I have a feeling that there is some kind of dysfunction there.
I don’t know if this is relevant to anything there, but both Chrissy & the other friend have gained a lot of weight since moving in with them, but I don’t think the McK daughters have.
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Kids. Let’s face it, the teens and 20s generally aren’t pretty, attitude-wise. 🙂
You can look up your region’s religious preferences here:
http://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/
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Here’s L.A.:
http://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/metro-area/los-angeles/
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I love Edward Lear’s sense of humour. “The Owl and the Pussycat” ranks up there in my list of favourite poems.
Karen, that is difficult about C. Do you think that she is trying to make a dream world for herself? People with Asperger’s tend to mature slower than others because they live in the world on their own terms. I have a cousin with Asperger’s who is like that. As an introvert, I know that I continually have to make the conscious decision not to place my own interests first. There is a part of me that wants to go into my room and lock my door whenever my nieces and nephews show up. I have to tell myself, “It’s not about me” and choose to open my door and go out and enjoy life on their terms. I have received a great gift in return, the love of all those nieces and nephews; but if it weren’t for the knowledge that as a child of God I cannot only seek my own things, I would never place myself in the way to forming relationships with them. It seems like C. has not yet realized that she needs to stretch her comfort zone in order to grow.
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One note on ‘made-up’ holidays, I, like my father, am slightly absent-minded about future dates (my father is wonderful about historical dates), so often I’ll forget both special days (excepting the very obvious ones like Easter and Christmas) and birthdays (haven’t forgot mine yet). However, sometimes the day will seem very significant to me for some reason, and I’ll get a nice card or gift for the person on that day; but I don’t do that every year. I guess you could say I’m inconsistent. I did observe Mother’s Day this year, but only by default, since family was getting together and the men decided that the mothers shouldn’t do any of the cooking. The men did a lot of the cooking, but I promised a pie and made it. But I don’t think I actually told my mother, “Happy mother’s day”.
This, by the way, is a lovely tribute to a mother: http://www.mahershillacademy.blogspot.ca/2015/05/a-quiet-and-peaceful-life-of-great.html
It makes me think of the quote by George Eliot: “…the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life…”
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Karen, one of our girls still sometimes calls her father “daddy.” I’ve heard that quite a bit through the years, particularly in the South. Mom said we younger kids pretty much never did the “daddy” and “mama” thing, since we copied our older brothers who had long since called them “dad” and “mom.”
What I would say is that it’s a natural human thing to want the ones we love most to love us most too. But it can come across as competitive or jealous or possessive, and it can alienate those we love, or make them feel like they have to choose between us or defend that other person to us. One of my brothers once said something that struck me as profound: he said he didn’t realize until he had children of our own that we love our children more than we love our parents. Realizing that it is natural for children to pull away a bit can help–and it can help us not be clingy, which can drive them away. (I’m not meaning to come across as “the expert”; obviously I’m not. Our two live at home. But I have several brothers with grown children, and I remember that transition from my own young adulthood.)
I remember seeing my mom seem to be jealous that my sister and I were closer to each other than to her, and I remember making a mental note that it made no sense. Of course we were closer to each other than to her–we were the same age, had the same life experiences, and had our whole futures together. My sister didn’t give birth to me and my mom did, so naturally she felt a very strong connection to me . . . but my sister was closer, and that made sense. Having come to that realization with my own sister, decades ago, helps me see the really close relationship between my own daughters as 100% sweet and 0% threatening. But my mom didn’t have a sister, and perhaps she simply never thought about it.
I remember the night I moved away from home. I was 20, and it was definitely “time.” My younger sister was already out of the house; my 17-year-old brother was still at home. The three of us went out to dinner, and during dinner my sister and I thought it would be fun if she and I went out shopping for staples for our new apartment (flour, bread, milk, etc.); she knew of a 24-hour grocery store and we decided to do that. We told our brother to tell Mom that was what we were doing, and we did it. Well, I got home late, maybe 11:30, and quickly got ready for bed since I had to work in the morning. I had a 10:30 bedtime, but honestly I had never given it a thought–it was only a technicality that I was spending one more night at “home” when I had the key to my own apartment. Further, we’d told our brother to tell Mom where we were (though he might have forgotten to do so), so she had no need to worry. But she came into my bedroom and flipped on the light. She was mad I was home so late, and I was bewildered. It wasn’t till years later that I realized she might have had sentimental notions of my last night at home. At the time, I knew my mom was ready for me to leave, and I felt like I was “old” for still being home at 20 (all my siblings had left quite a bit younger, none past 18). There was no slight at all intended in me being out that night . . . I was just excited about the next stage in my life, and more than ready for it. And if I’d been moving in with a girlfriend and her parents, I can see in the enthusiasm of the new venture, calling them “Mom and Dad” like she did. It wouldn’t be an insult to my parents, it would be a compliment to them (if it was even that–it would be more like puppy love or idol worship).
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Roscuro – Oh yes, I definitely think Chrissy’s Asperger’s comes into play in this. She has a sense of having “left home”, but she is still in a cocoon of safety with another family. Part of what bothers me is that I had plans to help her grow & learn to be an adult in small increments, but she is at a standstill while at the McKs. She will be 23 in June, & still hasn’t learned to drive, nor does she have any desire to learn.
Quite frankly, with Chrissy’s Asperger’s tendencies, I cannot imagine her having a job, let alone going through an interview process. Emily has even expressed to me that she thinks she will be providing for & caring for Chrissy when Lee & I are no longer around. (She would let Chrissy be her housekeeper.)
(Since parents are supposed to “believe in their children”, I feel guilty saying that, as it sounds like I don’t see her value or abilities. But that’s not it at all. I love her with all my heart, & I know that she is very intelligent, & there are certain things she does very well, but I also see how very much she struggles.)
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Cheryl – I try very hard not to let on to Chrissy how I feel about this. As I said, it’s not merely the idea of her calling them Mom & Dad, but the feeling that she prefers their family to ours.
I wish Emily & Chrissy were close. They love each other & get along pretty well, but they are not particularly close. Chrissy needs some understanding because of some of the personality traits that are affected by Asperger’s, but Emily, at least for now, doesn’t want to do the understanding.
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Karen, someday she may be married and may prefer her in-laws’ family to yours too. (Or not.) You have no control over such things, and as much as possible, your job is to love them well. They may at times find others more fun, or think others are kinder, or whatever. Their affections are their affections–and you can really only guess at them, anyway. Where their affections are sinful, be concerned. But contests for others’ affection isn’t usually helpful, and they can hurt. (Now, a wife is right to be concerned if her husband shows more affection for another woman. A parent is right to be concerned if her child shows sexual affection for the wrong person, or otherwise shows misguided affection.)
It’s natural to be envious at times–but unless it’s godly jealousy (like jealousy of the affection outside of marriage), such envy should be seen for what it is. It’s unhelpful and it may be sinful. I don’t mean that as chastisement, but as reality.
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Karen, on Thursday, I will be taking my final driving test (it is a staged system here). Just writing that, I feel the knot of fear in my stomach. Oh yes, I’ve gone all the way to Africa and back, but I can barely find the courage to take a driving test. It is a long story as to why only now am I taking it – and not all of it is due to lack of courage – but I hate and fear any kind of practical tests. If you have heard of choking as a technical term for what happens to a person who forgets their skills under pressure, that would apply to me under practical testing. Whether it is practical exams for music, or practical tests (not on real patients, thankfully) on nursing scenarios, or driving tests, I choke. I can play my heart out for church or events, take care of real patients in the most trying of circumstances, and once drove, almost nonstop, from Ontario to the Pennsylvania border; but put me in a testing scenario and I go to pieces. So, I know where some of C’s reluctance comes from. What she needs is the friction of those who expect normal behaviour from her – the people who bluntly demand why you can’t drive – to help spur her on to achievement. That is sometimes what keeps me going; the sheer shame of being thought incompetent.
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I didn’t know the Chinese owned Volvo. I thought the Swedes owned it.
On the local Greenville/Spartanburg TV channel, they were talking about Volvo building a plant in Berkley County, SC. They mentioned that the Chinese owned Volvo.
Berkley County would be a great site for a plant. Just north of Charleston,access to Charleston ports. Relative inexpensive land costs.
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Andree Seu Peterson: http://www.worldmag.com/2015/05/the_mother_s_day_card
Roscuro – About a couple years ago or so, I was reading a little more about girls & women with Asperger’s. One of the traits mentioned was the stress of answering questions. It was an “Aha!” moment. Chrissy gets so flustered & annoyed by even simple questions, & it had been mystifying to us why she couldn’t answer (or took a while to answer) what seemed to us straightforward questions. Putting her thoughts into words, in order to answer a question, is very difficult for her.
I think the McKs are not putting any pressure on her at all to take the next step, or even expecting her to. That’s why I said she is in a cocoon. I had a plan to gently & slowly help her take one step & then another, but I am pretty much out of the picture now in helping to guide her.
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Cheryl – I understand what you are saying, I really do. But I think it is perfectly normal for me to feel hurt for a bit upon learning of this. I will let it go soon. I realize it is kind of natural for her to call them Mom & Dad when everyone else is.
If the McKs were a “good Christian family”, I would have a lot easier time of all this. But it is under the influence of the two daughters that Chrissy rejected much of the moral teachings she was raised with (accepting abortion, homosexuality, & all those other permutations of gender & such) & stopped attending church with us.
From the moment I asked them to start looking for a new place, M, the mom, knew that Chrissy would move with them, because she knew, through her younger daughter, how unhappy Chrissy was with our living situation. NO ONE said anything to me about it, over the course of the nine months it took for them to find a place. (I didn’t learn about that until two weeks before they moved.) At the very least, M should have clued me in, & I could have talked to Chrissy, & we could have worked it out. (I did give Chrissy the option of staying downstairs rather than moving upstairs with Emily & Forrest, but by that time, her mind was made up to move with the McKs, unbeknownst to me.)
Yes, I know I need to let this all go. It is very difficult when I sometimes I hear YF’s words coming through my daughter’s lips.
I pray for God to get through to all these young women – my own daughters, their daughters, & the friend I mentioned.
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Karen, the bad influences and the way they didn’t tell you she was planning to move out with you are huge. I too would be bothered by such things. But with other issues (non-moral ones), sometimes it helps to recognize “this is a normal thing for this person to do, and it isn’t personal.” May you find peace with what you can’t change, and wisdom to know when and how to interact with your girls and the McKs.
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Thank you, Cheryl.
BTW, why didn’t your sister approve of you being a foster mom? Was it because you were single?
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So chas, I’m curious. Did you ever think holidays were so … complicated? 🙂
I confess to being a bit inconsistent like roscuro — I have a hard time remembering birthdays (I will remember the month, generally, but not the date). My dad and I, I’m ashamed to admit, let Mother’s Day slide one year (I was probably 9 or 10) and we had my mom’s cold, silent wrath to endure until we figured out what was wrong. 🙂 We skedaddled down to the flower shop PRONTO.
Not pretty.
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But we never, ever made that mistake again
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If Tom Brady was smart, he’d hold a press conference and say he’ll release his phone, texts, and email messages as soon as Hillary does. 😆
Do that and this would disappear from the news tomorrow, if not sooner. 🙂
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Gibbs ! ?
http://www.zap2it.com/blogs/ncis_season_12_finale_is_gibbs_dead_mark_harmon_characters_replaceable-2015-05
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Karen, “BTW, why didn’t your sister approve of you being a foster mom? Was it because you were single?”
Two reasons that I know of–yes, being single was one of them. She also disapproves of the foster-care system itself, because the state has the power to take away children for anything it deems an offense. If someday spanking becomes automatically considered abuse, or being a Christian makes you a bad parent, then the state can legally take your child. The state owns your children, and lets you raise them the way they say you can, which is contrary to God’s plan for families. I agree with her on all that–but I think there has to be a way for people outside the home to rescue children in a home. If a mother stops feeding her children, starts giving them drugs, and sells their bodies to visiting men, then someone needs to have the ability to arrest that mother and rescue the children. (And she would agree with that. When my brother adopted two children out of foster care, she approved of that. But then, he was married and it was clear the children he had needed rescuing.)
Funny thing is, when I was in the process of contemplating foster care, talking about it with family and others, no one raised an objection. I explained that I didn’t think that fostering as a single was ideal, but there seemed to be a real need for foster parents, and I was a dedicated Christian who worked from my home (children would not, for example, end up in daycare), and it might be that some young girls would have been molested and traumatized by men, and would find a chance to heal in a home with a single mom who had a committed church family with loving men. No one told me “That isn’t adequate reasoning, and you’re the wrong person to do this.” If they had, I would have listened to their reasons–that was, in fact, part of the reason I was telling people before I had made up my mind. But after I was licensed to do foster care, possibly after I had children, my sister told me her reservations and that of one or two of my brothers. Not helpful. (That’s like waiting till after your sister marries the guy, and then when she comes to the family reunion with bruises, you say, “I could have told you he liked beating girls up. All of us talked about it that one day after you left, when you first started going out with him.” Sorry, that’s not helpful. If you have concerns, raise them right away.)
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We got into foster care, not because we agree with removing children but because that is what the state does. As we entered into homeschooling early on for recent times homeschooling, we realized the state of Idaho at least was taking children from their parents and we preferred if that happened to us, for our children to go into a home with similar values to us. So we decided we should offer the same to others.
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