Good (early) morning. I have a prayer request for myself. It’s been a rather difficult Christmas emotionally, and I’m having a hard time focusing on Jesus rather than man. I had a great Christmas Eve…church, then dinner out with the family, precious time together… Christmas morning started out well–Connie came and the kids were appropriately excited and thankful for their gifts. Scott liked his as well (quite a lot of new clothes and a very expensive pair of dress boots he’d picked out). He gave me one $40.00 dress (I know, b/c it was on sale and I gave him the link for it). Nothing else. Well–he went shopping for me the night he was mad at me about money and the lack of gifts seemed to me to be punishment for spending more at Christmas than he thought appropriate. We are not in financial straits–our house is paid off and we have more than we need in the bank–so it felt to me similar to leaving a penny tip for a “bad” waitress. Then, five minutes after I’d opened my one gift, my Dad called. He told me I need to tell my Mom what an amazing, wonderful mother she was to me b/c my brother that’s been estranged from her for six months called on Christmas Eve. According to my dad, he yelled at her for 15 minutes, delineating every way she’d failed him as a mother throughout his lifetime. This phone call resulted in her crying all night Christmas Eve and being unable to sleep. So, now, he was calling her other four children to tell them that we all needed to build her up and thank her for always having our best interest at heart (sure; all those nights I was kept up ’til three in the morning while she drunkenly berated me for ruining her life, telling me she wished I’d never been born, from ages 12-16, were b/c she had my “best interest at heart”). He didn’t ask me to do it, he gave me an edict. I am 43 years old, not a child… Well–I had plans to visit them December 30-January 2–but those plans fell apart, which feels like a message from God not to go. First, L. asked not to go b/c she wants to go to a New Year’s Eve party here in Houston; then, Connie said she no longer wanted to go b/c she was unable to be with her extended family Christmas Eve b/c she was running a fever and now wanted to spend New Year’s Eve with them; then, Becca admitted she didn’t really want to go; yesterday, I learned my sister won’t even be in town then. When I learned Linda wouldn’t be around, I decided not to go, which is a big relief. Anyway–sorry this is so long–but I lost my Christmas joy on the morning of the 25th and can’t get it back!!! We will spend today with Scott’s extended family, beginning around 10:30 am, and all I want to do is isolate and cry–but that’s not really an option today….
Oh Ann. I am sorry. I know it hurts. We try and try to make others happy and it backfires on us sometimes. I know this especially hurt because you thought you had created the “perfect” Christmas.
I am also sorry your dad put you and your other siblings in this situation with your mother. Mothers are supposed to love and protect and when they don’t it feels like the ultimate betrayal. That’s what bothers me so much about the situation with BG. I feel like I was failed by a mother and have failed her. Your mother failed you in so many ways and then it seems inflicted more pain.
I know sometimes in therapy they tell you to write a letter to the alcoholic telling them every thing you feel about them. You read it and then you put it away or burn it. I don’t know about you but I am missing whole pieces of my childhood. As I have said before, I am here if you need me.
Have I asked you before if you read the book Perfect Daughters? If you haven’t give it a try and if you have maybe a rereading would help put some things in perspective. I may have to go did out my copy and take a refresher course.
It seems to me that it was the brother who instigated all the commotion.
People need to let things go.
I pointed out a few days ago that “forgive”, in the Greek, means push away. i.e. Let It Go.
Annmsw, you are not required to visit your mom. You are required to love and care for your husband and children. You can honor your mom from a distance but that does not require you interacting with her or supporting your dad with words that are not accurate. Say what positive you can and leave the rest. You are allowing her to impact your life way after she had the power to do so. Let it go. Love her as the broken woman she is but also as the gift God gave you to make you the caring woman you have become.
Ann, praying for you and your family (while now trying to get that song from Frozen out of my mind).
It’s easier to say “Let it go” than it is to do, we all realize. These feelings and reactions go so deep within us.
Praying for God’s clarity and comfort, trusting that he will give you strength in your weakness & work all things together for good — even though it’s impossible to see the “how” of that right now.
He knows our pain and our God is faithful to bring us through the storms.
Praying. This reminds me that while I once wrote a letter to my father thanking him for all he did for me (and neatly side-stepping all the ugliness), I never wrote such a letter to my mother. We never discussed the alcoholism. But once my parents were gone, my brothers and sisters-in-law–who dealt with it as adults far more than I did–discussed it quite freely.
Actions have consequences and if your father won’t tell your mother the truth, why should you?
Still, you could write a note and thank her for giving you life if nothing else . . . and I think you’re wise to focus on your own family’s needs over the New Year’s than your mother’s and father’s. Your dad is probably as his wits end–but he’s an adult, too.
I wish it was easier, but God knows your heart and the family he put you in. None of this is a surprise, but it will go better if you lean onto him and his strength and follow what he directs you to do.
Ann – Quite frankly, as extremely painful as the situation with your mother is, I would think the situation with your husband would be just as, or even more, painful, because he is close to you. My own husband, as wonderful as he is, has cut me to the very bone (figuratively, of course) on more than one occasion. At those times, I wait until the situation has calmed down, & I am calm, & I think about exactly what I should say to tell him how much he hurt me, or to defend myself or explain my view of the situation, & “edit” out any hurtful or accusatory words I want to say back to him, & then approach him when I think he seems open to talk. Then I state my case, as calmly, lovingly, & respectfully as possible.
There have been times when I knew there was nothing to say, or that trying to say something wouldn’t make a difference.
Whether I speak my piece, or keep my peace, I also give it to God, ask Him to show me where I may need to change my own attitudes &/or actions, & ask Him to soften my husband’s heart towards me, & to bring reconciliation to our relationship.
I don’t know if any of that is helpful to you, but maybe you can glean something from it.
Karen O: To be honest, I am more hurt by what transpired b/t me & my husband, than the deal with my mom. And, what compounds the hurt is that he doesn’t think I should be hurt…(we’ve discussed it). I thank you for the advice and had already planned to go to him in a week or so and try to explain to him why I was hurt. I’m not mad–just hurt. And, I do pray for him, daily, as I don’t think he really understands the concept of grace. I’m not trying to talk badly about him–I love him very much–but he can be rather harsh and insensitive.
I know I sound like a broken [Dave Ramsey] record and I don’t mean to be cold-hearted about a hurtful situation, but it seems to me that if a couple had a spending plan, all this Christmas hurt could have been avoided. I read into this that the hubby thought too much was being spent on gifts and countered it by going light, himself. If both parties had agreed ahead of time on how much was to be spent, this never would have happened. He wouldn’t have been angry at the over-spending and would have been free to shop creatively and lovingly for her. It doesn’t make sense to me to leave Christmas spending (or any spending, for that matter) to the whim of each party and then to be hurt by a dollar amount. This is “filthy lucre” we’re talking about here – why, in heaven’s name, would we allow it to represent our love for one another? The primary cause of divorce and fights in marriages is money and it can so easily be avoided by communicating and having a plan.
Lee & I didn’t have a specific, dollar-amount plan, but he knew that I knew we couldn’t afford much, & trusted me to get what I thought was right. (I’m usually more apt to say something is too expensive than he is.)
So sad for you, Ann. Your dad wants his other children to make everything better for HIM in a round-a-bout way. There is always a tension in honoring one’s parents and yet protecting yourself. It doesn’t matter what you do; it seems wrong. There is always someone there to tell you, you fall short. It shouldn’t be this way. It all started in the Garden of Eden, of course. I am so glad the Lord came to end such misery in the final Final! Catch that joy as a reason for the season. It won’t help to resist it. Nothing changes because we feel miserable. Remember all of us praying for you.
You might try listing some of the good things your mom did do. There are some. The enemy is quick to remind us of the bad and to help us forget the good. The good does not negate the bad, but it is good to remember the little gifts of love your mom gave you. Ask God to help you remember those. He knows your pain and your parent’s pain, as well.
These are times when it’s good to dwell on God’s grace, to remember how he has provided for us despite our (and others’) weakness, sin and just plain old mistakes. Where would any of us be without that grace?
Sounds like we need to be praying for our sister Jo. She is still in culture shock of course, but I am not sure the officers will accept that. It appears she is picking up cars and that may be okay where she is from but it is generally frowned upon in this country.
hmmm… lots of culture shock on this thread. My friend has a badly broken ankle so was happy to loan me her car.
And then next week I go to get another car, but it is in another town, a couple of hours away. It will be harder for them to find me! 🙂
Please pray for safe travel home for Emily & Forrest. They traveled three or more hours to NY state to visit her boyfriend, AT, & will be coming back this evening.
Ann, it has taken me a long time to understand that my husband does not want me to tell him what to get as a gift from him. I assume he may feel it’ss not respectful of his taste and ablity to select a good gift.
Prayers for stamina tomorrow. I think I have gotten over what I was sick with today, and have lots I want to get accomplished before the end of the year.
Tomorrow is supposed to be cloudy all day, which tends to sap my strength this time of year. However, Tuesday it is predicted to be sunny the whole day. My plan is to do as much as I can tomorrow on the work I want to finish for this year, so that I can enjoy a more relaxed day soaking up the sun the next day. Sitting by a sunny window, reading alone and to the children. (The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.) 🙂
Going outside in the sunshine, even though temperatures will be below zero part of the day. Brisk and invigorating. Like a dog park. 😉
But first, I just need to get through — rather, be productive, and not just get through — tomorrow.
Wandering Views 
Good (early) morning. I have a prayer request for myself. It’s been a rather difficult Christmas emotionally, and I’m having a hard time focusing on Jesus rather than man. I had a great Christmas Eve…church, then dinner out with the family, precious time together… Christmas morning started out well–Connie came and the kids were appropriately excited and thankful for their gifts. Scott liked his as well (quite a lot of new clothes and a very expensive pair of dress boots he’d picked out). He gave me one $40.00 dress (I know, b/c it was on sale and I gave him the link for it). Nothing else. Well–he went shopping for me the night he was mad at me about money and the lack of gifts seemed to me to be punishment for spending more at Christmas than he thought appropriate. We are not in financial straits–our house is paid off and we have more than we need in the bank–so it felt to me similar to leaving a penny tip for a “bad” waitress. Then, five minutes after I’d opened my one gift, my Dad called. He told me I need to tell my Mom what an amazing, wonderful mother she was to me b/c my brother that’s been estranged from her for six months called on Christmas Eve. According to my dad, he yelled at her for 15 minutes, delineating every way she’d failed him as a mother throughout his lifetime. This phone call resulted in her crying all night Christmas Eve and being unable to sleep. So, now, he was calling her other four children to tell them that we all needed to build her up and thank her for always having our best interest at heart (sure; all those nights I was kept up ’til three in the morning while she drunkenly berated me for ruining her life, telling me she wished I’d never been born, from ages 12-16, were b/c she had my “best interest at heart”). He didn’t ask me to do it, he gave me an edict. I am 43 years old, not a child… Well–I had plans to visit them December 30-January 2–but those plans fell apart, which feels like a message from God not to go. First, L. asked not to go b/c she wants to go to a New Year’s Eve party here in Houston; then, Connie said she no longer wanted to go b/c she was unable to be with her extended family Christmas Eve b/c she was running a fever and now wanted to spend New Year’s Eve with them; then, Becca admitted she didn’t really want to go; yesterday, I learned my sister won’t even be in town then. When I learned Linda wouldn’t be around, I decided not to go, which is a big relief. Anyway–sorry this is so long–but I lost my Christmas joy on the morning of the 25th and can’t get it back!!! We will spend today with Scott’s extended family, beginning around 10:30 am, and all I want to do is isolate and cry–but that’s not really an option today….
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I’m so sorry, Ann. You’ve been in my prayers, & will continue to be.
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Thanks, Karen.
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Oh Ann. I am sorry. I know it hurts. We try and try to make others happy and it backfires on us sometimes. I know this especially hurt because you thought you had created the “perfect” Christmas.
I am also sorry your dad put you and your other siblings in this situation with your mother. Mothers are supposed to love and protect and when they don’t it feels like the ultimate betrayal. That’s what bothers me so much about the situation with BG. I feel like I was failed by a mother and have failed her. Your mother failed you in so many ways and then it seems inflicted more pain.
I know sometimes in therapy they tell you to write a letter to the alcoholic telling them every thing you feel about them. You read it and then you put it away or burn it. I don’t know about you but I am missing whole pieces of my childhood. As I have said before, I am here if you need me.
Have I asked you before if you read the book Perfect Daughters? If you haven’t give it a try and if you have maybe a rereading would help put some things in perspective. I may have to go did out my copy and take a refresher course.
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It seems to me that it was the brother who instigated all the commotion.
People need to let things go.
I pointed out a few days ago that “forgive”, in the Greek, means push away. i.e. Let It Go.
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Annmsw, you are not required to visit your mom. You are required to love and care for your husband and children. You can honor your mom from a distance but that does not require you interacting with her or supporting your dad with words that are not accurate. Say what positive you can and leave the rest. You are allowing her to impact your life way after she had the power to do so. Let it go. Love her as the broken woman she is but also as the gift God gave you to make you the caring woman you have become.
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Sometimes the best this to say is “I cannot have this conversation at this time”.
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Ann, praying for you and your family (while now trying to get that song from Frozen out of my mind).
It’s easier to say “Let it go” than it is to do, we all realize. These feelings and reactions go so deep within us.
Praying for God’s clarity and comfort, trusting that he will give you strength in your weakness & work all things together for good — even though it’s impossible to see the “how” of that right now.
He knows our pain and our God is faithful to bring us through the storms.
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And we tend to let it go and grab it back and let it go and grab it back. The ring comes to mind. And Gollum and Bilbo and Frodo.
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Praying. This reminds me that while I once wrote a letter to my father thanking him for all he did for me (and neatly side-stepping all the ugliness), I never wrote such a letter to my mother. We never discussed the alcoholism. But once my parents were gone, my brothers and sisters-in-law–who dealt with it as adults far more than I did–discussed it quite freely.
Actions have consequences and if your father won’t tell your mother the truth, why should you?
Still, you could write a note and thank her for giving you life if nothing else . . . and I think you’re wise to focus on your own family’s needs over the New Year’s than your mother’s and father’s. Your dad is probably as his wits end–but he’s an adult, too.
I wish it was easier, but God knows your heart and the family he put you in. None of this is a surprise, but it will go better if you lean onto him and his strength and follow what he directs you to do.
xoxoxo
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Ann – Quite frankly, as extremely painful as the situation with your mother is, I would think the situation with your husband would be just as, or even more, painful, because he is close to you. My own husband, as wonderful as he is, has cut me to the very bone (figuratively, of course) on more than one occasion. At those times, I wait until the situation has calmed down, & I am calm, & I think about exactly what I should say to tell him how much he hurt me, or to defend myself or explain my view of the situation, & “edit” out any hurtful or accusatory words I want to say back to him, & then approach him when I think he seems open to talk. Then I state my case, as calmly, lovingly, & respectfully as possible.
There have been times when I knew there was nothing to say, or that trying to say something wouldn’t make a difference.
Whether I speak my piece, or keep my peace, I also give it to God, ask Him to show me where I may need to change my own attitudes &/or actions, & ask Him to soften my husband’s heart towards me, & to bring reconciliation to our relationship.
I don’t know if any of that is helpful to you, but maybe you can glean something from it.
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Karen O: To be honest, I am more hurt by what transpired b/t me & my husband, than the deal with my mom. And, what compounds the hurt is that he doesn’t think I should be hurt…(we’ve discussed it). I thank you for the advice and had already planned to go to him in a week or so and try to explain to him why I was hurt. I’m not mad–just hurt. And, I do pray for him, daily, as I don’t think he really understands the concept of grace. I’m not trying to talk badly about him–I love him very much–but he can be rather harsh and insensitive.
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I understand, Ann. {{{Hugs}}}
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I know I sound like a broken [Dave Ramsey] record and I don’t mean to be cold-hearted about a hurtful situation, but it seems to me that if a couple had a spending plan, all this Christmas hurt could have been avoided. I read into this that the hubby thought too much was being spent on gifts and countered it by going light, himself. If both parties had agreed ahead of time on how much was to be spent, this never would have happened. He wouldn’t have been angry at the over-spending and would have been free to shop creatively and lovingly for her. It doesn’t make sense to me to leave Christmas spending (or any spending, for that matter) to the whim of each party and then to be hurt by a dollar amount. This is “filthy lucre” we’re talking about here – why, in heaven’s name, would we allow it to represent our love for one another? The primary cause of divorce and fights in marriages is money and it can so easily be avoided by communicating and having a plan.
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Good advice for all of us, Linda.
Lee & I didn’t have a specific, dollar-amount plan, but he knew that I knew we couldn’t afford much, & trusted me to get what I thought was right. (I’m usually more apt to say something is too expensive than he is.)
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So sad for you, Ann. Your dad wants his other children to make everything better for HIM in a round-a-bout way. There is always a tension in honoring one’s parents and yet protecting yourself. It doesn’t matter what you do; it seems wrong. There is always someone there to tell you, you fall short. It shouldn’t be this way. It all started in the Garden of Eden, of course. I am so glad the Lord came to end such misery in the final Final! Catch that joy as a reason for the season. It won’t help to resist it. Nothing changes because we feel miserable. Remember all of us praying for you.
You might try listing some of the good things your mom did do. There are some. The enemy is quick to remind us of the bad and to help us forget the good. The good does not negate the bad, but it is good to remember the little gifts of love your mom gave you. Ask God to help you remember those. He knows your pain and your parent’s pain, as well.
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These are times when it’s good to dwell on God’s grace, to remember how he has provided for us despite our (and others’) weakness, sin and just plain old mistakes. Where would any of us be without that grace?
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Very sorry, Ann. Praying.
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Sounds like we need to be praying for our sister Jo. She is still in culture shock of course, but I am not sure the officers will accept that. It appears she is picking up cars and that may be okay where she is from but it is generally frowned upon in this country.
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hmmm… lots of culture shock on this thread. My friend has a badly broken ankle so was happy to loan me her car.
And then next week I go to get another car, but it is in another town, a couple of hours away. It will be harder for them to find me! 🙂
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Please pray for safe travel home for Emily & Forrest. They traveled three or more hours to NY state to visit her boyfriend, AT, & will be coming back this evening.
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Ann, it has taken me a long time to understand that my husband does not want me to tell him what to get as a gift from him. I assume he may feel it’ss not respectful of his taste and ablity to select a good gift.
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They’re home, safe & sound. Thanks.
(Now please pray them Chrissy gets dropped off soon, & safe travels for them. Thank you.)
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Um, that should be “…pray that Chrissy…”
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Prayers for stamina tomorrow. I think I have gotten over what I was sick with today, and have lots I want to get accomplished before the end of the year.
Tomorrow is supposed to be cloudy all day, which tends to sap my strength this time of year. However, Tuesday it is predicted to be sunny the whole day. My plan is to do as much as I can tomorrow on the work I want to finish for this year, so that I can enjoy a more relaxed day soaking up the sun the next day. Sitting by a sunny window, reading alone and to the children. (The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.) 🙂
Going outside in the sunshine, even though temperatures will be below zero part of the day. Brisk and invigorating. Like a dog park. 😉
But first, I just need to get through — rather, be productive, and not just get through — tomorrow.
Thanks for the prayers.
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Got it, Six Arrows.
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